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Copyright 1998-2017. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

Universal Intelligence Estimate

Annals of Intelligence

Volume 1

The Covert Comic

 

The following information is classified Eyes Only.  The lenses of your eyes are permitted to focus light containing the image of this information onto photoreceptor cells inside your retinas, but said cells are not permitted to generate neural impulses based on said light, insofar as these neural impulses result in understanding.

 

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Ignorance is blissinformation.

 

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Secret 321.0.  A triple agent is more dangerous than a double agent, a double agent is more dangerous than an agent, and so on.

    

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Secret 41026092.  The situation aspires to its intelligence estimate.

   

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I bet when terrorists extend the deadline for executing their hostages, the hostages are like "Yeah!  Deadline extended!  WOOHOOOOO!!!"

Then the terrorists point their guns at the hostages and scream at them to be quiet.

… But when the terrorists aren't looking, I bet the hostages pump their fists and whisper "Yesssss!!!"

                      

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Contrary to popular perception, HUMINT is not acquired by means of sex, though you can get it from sitting on a public toilet.

      

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Oh what an encrypted file we create, when truth we endeavor to relate.

       

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SpookSpeak.  Secrete v.  1. (Biology) To conceal or covertly purloin.  2. (CIA) To cause to ooze from one's body.

           

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Let's not do something we'll regret later.  Let's do it now!

   

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Metal filing cabinets are coming back.  And this time they're angry.

                                                          

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If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

   

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To actually know one's ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

         

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Join the CIA and CIA the world! – CIA recruiting poster (proposed)

 

 

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Secret 71910151.  A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

  

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Transparent is the new black.

 

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There's the Central Intelligence Agency, and there's the f***ing CIA.  I work for the latter organization.

  

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My operational cover won't withstand scrutiny.  It starts blushing and giggling every time.

 

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Necessity is the mother-in-law of patents.

 

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Sunday at Mass our priest spoke about divine agency.  Couldn't tell whether he was referring to CIA or NSA.

 

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Reason, too, can dance.  It just always dances the robot.

 

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Actually, you can handle the truth, provided you wear low lint monofilament polyvinyl chloride dotted nylon gloves.

 

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Name:  John Alejandro King

Occupation:  CIA officer

Favorite quote:  Knowledge is power.

Favorite song: 'Fight the Power'

  

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98 out of every 100 ninjas today are employed serving restraining orders against the other two.

 

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Conductance is utile.

  

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If you need anything, just let me no.

 

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As one acquainted with Chinese culture, I put guanxi on pretty much everything I eat. 

 

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Don't get fake breasts.  They look unnatural and can cause health problems.  Pay the extra money and buy real ones.

                                        

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They say you can't tame a wild rose.  And even if you could, probably the only trick you could teach it would be 'stay.'

                                

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The difference between a National Intelligence Estimate and tabloids: in tabloids, the women on page 3 are better dressed.

                                                          

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'Non-essential personnel' is a redundancy.

 

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I proudly support our enlisted men and women in uniform.  The fact that it happens to be a size 62W Girl Scout uniform should make no difference whatsoever.

                                                                             

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The claim that CIA got it right or wrong begs the question of whether there was an it to get.

 

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Nothing offends more than excessive piety.  Just be satisfied with one piece like everybody else.

                                           

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Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

                

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If education is the vaccine against ignorance, it employs live pathogens.

  

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There's no doubt the government is behind what's going on.  But it's working to catch up as quickly as possible.

 

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It's a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

 

                                       

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Don't hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

 

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The following information is disseminated on a need for Merlot basis.

 

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In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

  

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With but a single exception, foxes too enjoy the chase.

 

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On my first day of employee orientation at Langley, the speaker from the Office of Security told us: "Contrary to what you may have heard, the fact that you possess CIA clearances does not mean that Security is obsessed with your sex life." 

That was probably the most disappointing moment of my career.

 

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Instead of the phrase 's**t happens,' I propose the word shappens.  Not only does it eliminate profanity, it's dignified sounding, easier to pronounce, and requires 33% fewer keystrokes to write.

 

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You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable, you buy it because it's deflatable.

      

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If wishes were horses, that would explain the smell.

 

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Please don't speak to me in that tone of gun.

  

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Jenny is seeking grief counseling.  She finds two equally reputable grief counseling services conveniently located in her area.  One service charges $150 per session for four grief counseling sessions (non-refundable), with an option to return for a fifth session at a 25% discount.  The second grief counseling service charges $160 per session for three sessions (also non-refundable), with an option to return for a fourth session at half price.  If Jenny estimates that she's 90% likely to come to terms with her grief after four grief counseling sessions with either service, and 75% likely to come to terms with her grief after three sessions with either service, which grief counseling service should Jenny choose? 

 

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If you've recruited one intelligence asset, they've recruited you all.

 

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Secret 48617.0.  When you're TDY in Ottawa, the only thing worse than CSIS giving you a bad time is CSIS attempting to show you a good one.

    

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If this is the steering committee, how do I get on the emergency brake committee?

 

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Not only were romantic love and gunpowder both invented in the Middle Ages, they were created in the very same act.

 

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Instead of yelling 'Gooooooooal,' shouldn't soccer announcers yell 'Achieeeeeevement?’

  

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Never run away from a problem.  If confronted by a problem, wave your arms and yell loudly.  If this doesn't succeed in scaring off the problem, immediately go limp and 'play dead.'

 

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There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it (there are, however, numerous howevers, althoughs, neverthelesses, and notwithstandings).

 

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According to the rules of logic, if you say it without thinking, the statement "I think, therefore I am" is always true.

  

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How can a society obsessed with instant gratification realistically expect its children to value concepts like patience (preferably in fifteen seconds or less)?

 

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There's untold wealth in Africa, and untold Africa in wealth. 

  

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Secret 53910321.  When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

   

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When that reporter had a stroke on live television, I thought it was really scary and sad.  Because that was the first time I had ever understood what a TV reporter was saying.

 

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Should there even be a word for 'mime?'

                                                   

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Not only does history repeat itself, it increasingly forgets where it put its keys.

 

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I'd rather ride on the short bus than drive it.

 

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I – the word 'God' viewed directly from behind, and/or moving straight toward your forehead.

  

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They say men like cars and women like clothes.  As a guy, I definitely agree.  I mean, as long as I'm in my car, what the heck do I need clothes for???

                               

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Intelligence Community Pick-up Line of the Week: 'If you're official, I'm FOUO.'

       

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When choosing between two evils, be advised: if you use the 'eeny-meeny-miny-mo’ method, you'll end up with the second evil every time.

 

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In the Photoshop of life, some of us need sharpening, some of us need resizing, and some of us need a whole lot of negative warp.

 

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Rather than giveth and taketh away, maybe it would be best for all concerned if the Lord just held on to it.

 

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Once you're caught in the mousetrap, why not eat the cheese?

 

  

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It's dis information, with a space, where I come from.

 

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The first fake was also an original.

 

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Birds don't sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

 

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In a tissue paper jungle, the paper tiger is justly feared.

 

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In former times, history was written in blood.  Today, using digital laser technology, freeze-dried blood particles in pre-packaged cartridges are printed onto a page electrostatically.

 

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Secret 10022122.  If the high point of a CIA covert operations program is higher than the low point, that program is a failure.

 

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Secret 5690.  You can people all of the foolishness all of the time.

                                 

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To get a sense of what the real world of espionage is like, imagine the James Bond Theme performed by a junior high school marching band.  

 

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Secret 0.7918981.  The disguise is the blessing.

 

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Don't be so quick to jump from conclusions.

   

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Jack LaLanne's brother Norm lived to be 103.  Norm liked exercise, but he wasn't obsessive about it.

 

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The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause's security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

 

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My life no longer revolves around sex.  Sex's immense gravitational field finally sucked my life into its event horizon and shredded it into elementary particles. 

 

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Whenever I hear someone say "Where I come from, people leave their front doors unlocked," I always ask that person to close their eyes for a second.

Then I tell them "Yeah, I remember you now." 

 

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This isn't a daze, it's a power trance.

 

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If it wasn't for sex, I wouldn't get any pornography at all.

 

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Secret 6968.9.  The agent that the doubled agent that the re-doubled agent doubled doubled re-re-doubled the re-doubled agent (according to a known triple agent).

 

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To be a true champion of human rights, in my opinion you need to knock out the reigning human rights champion, and not just win on points.

 

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The on-ramp to heaven is paved with morally ambiguous intentions.

   

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He who would loom large should take care not to arrive.

 

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Why are they called "sideburns," and not, say, "doofus grips?"

 

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Greatness lies not merely in being strong, greatness lies generally.

 

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Is it really fair to classify sloth as one of the Seven Deadly Sins, when being slothful can actually help prevent the other six?

 

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They say a woman must do a thing twice as well as a man to be considered half as good.  And I bet I know what that thing is.

 

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Whenever someone complains that the world isn’t what it used to be, the world is what it used to be.

 

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Secret 31313.  If you want to read the fortune, you've got to break the cookie.

 

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When you send someone a postcard that says "Wish you were here" on the back of it, where exactly are you saying you wish they were? 

 

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Everything is something else in drag.

 

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Secret 25.6.4.  The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it though once it hits the colon all bets are off.

 

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I'm all for America welcoming poor and huddled masses yearning to breathe free.  But why would we want tired people?

 

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Technically speaking, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind except for the last person.

 

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161.8% of water is a human being.

       

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Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

 

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I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

 

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You don't pass your prime, you dig out from under it.

 

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How can you think outside it, unless there's a box?

   

 

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Not so fast ... faster!

 

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Secret 46. Safe house, dangerous bedroom.

 

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To understand the central limit theorem in probability is sufficient to refute virtually any conspiracy theory – but it requires a conspiracy to understand the central limit theorem.

 

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Is the cream really rising, or is the rest of the milk in decline?

 

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The CIA.  Making a difference, and/or helping exacerbate existing differences, since 1947.

 

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Life is tough, but my therapist is tougher.

                                           

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There are currently at least five different versions of the international rainbow flag. 

I only hope the matter can be resolved peacefully.

 

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Flattery will get me nowhere?  That's a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

                          

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Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee's personal safe with racy calendar attached 

 

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The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

 

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When in Rome, do as the Romans do: pretend not to be a tourist.

 

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The word 'begone' isn't strong enough.  We need a more comprehensive imperative: benot.

 

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Note to My Neighbor About My Sexuality

I expect all of us probably experience some confusion about our sexuality at one time or another in our lives.  For instance, this weekend when you came over to my garage to borrow some tools, I noticed you took my sexuality.  I’m sure you figured it was your sexuality, and that you must have loaned it to me previously and were just taking it back to your house again.  In any case, no harm done – please feel free to use my sexuality all this week if you need.  But if you wouldn't mind bringing it back when you're finished with it, hopefully by this weekend (my wife and I need it Saturday night), that would be great.  Thanks neighbor!

   

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Failure is not an option – it's an employee stock purchase plan.

                               

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Words of Estimative Probability are the tiny car that twenty-seven clowns pile out of at the circus of intelligence analysis.

  

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Domestic abuse?!  The house hit me first!

  

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Everybody line up and form an ascending spiral. – Team building exercise, undisclosed location

  

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Always keep your sense of humor – securely locked in a Class TXTL-60 safe.

 

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'Anything worth doing' is a problematic premise.

 

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The height of wisdom is a multiple of √-1.

                                   

 

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The joke isn't too soon, the tragedy is too late. 

 

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If they ever write my biography, it’ll be one large black smudge. 

… And that's pre-redaction.

 

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Past, present, future: a collusion to perpetuate a delusion for the sake of an illusion.

 

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Secret 20004.  Wishes are and beggars do. 

 

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Peace through strength – neutrinos through solid matter.

 

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'Twas Thomas Edison did declare

That waste is worse than loss

Yet never thought it fit to pare

His first name to Tomás

 

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I’m not afraid to think the unthinkable, I just can’t figure out a way to do it.

 

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The CIA isn't so much a shadow government, as a government by black light.

   

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As long as they stay there, who cares if the inmates run the asylum?

 

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Secret 9111941.  Never assume you're at the right briefing, no matter how long you've been standing there talking.

 

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Before we rush into creating a society based on love, maybe we could try a society based on like first.

 

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Intelligence Community Dis of the Day: She’s highly personable.  I've personed her several times.

 

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Instead of publishing a list of the world's worst human rights violators, shouldn't the UN be publishing a list of the best?

 

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True charity doesn't care if it's tax-deductible or not.

My wife doesn't care if she’s tax-deductible or not.

Therefore, my wife is true charity.

     

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I said I wasn't personally involved in his assassination.  I never said I didn't kill him.

  

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Don't worry, the situation is undercontrolled.

 

                          

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Desperate measures call for desperate times.

 

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In retrospect, maybe we shouldn't have used so much hindsight.

 

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The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

  

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I may be human scum, but damn it, I'm still scum.

 

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The downside of being given a new lease on life: having to choose between a straight-line or double declining balance depreciation method.

 

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It's not whether you win or lose, it's why you think there's a game.

 

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I'm in touch with reality – getting body slammed is a form of touching.

 

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Love is in the air.  Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

  

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Due to budget challenges, the dignity of office has been replaced with the dignity of cubicle.

 

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My name is engraved in marble at CIA Headquarters (and in order to keep it that way, I'm not telling where).

 

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If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing (pretty much by definition).

 

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Get out before you throw me out. –

 

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Not only is life too short, it has acne and looks geeky in gym clothes.

 

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You don't teach a man something by killing him.  That's my job.

 

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The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

 

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Not offering an opinion one way or the other, but when I looked up the word conspiracy in the dictionary this morning, it wasn't there.

 

 

 

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The Covert Comic.  Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

  

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Wherever people fight against injustice, there you'll find me, offering odds.

 

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If I knew then what I know now, by now I probably wouldn't know it.

 

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It's almost five o'clock, but I think we have just enough time for one more exercise.  Let's have everybody form into groups of one person, and go home.  – To a highly appreciative audience at an all-day team building event

 

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My biggest regret as a CIA officer?  The agents I didn't recruit.  I just wish there'd been a hell of a lot more of them.

                        

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Secret .  Under the redaction mark, there was never any text at all.

    

If for any reason this product is unsatisfied with you, it may return you for a full refund.

 

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If you had a tattoo that said Top Secret, where on your body would it be?

 

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The 'or' in 'all or nothing' is inclusive.

 

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Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

 

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I'm willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I'll be forgiven and forgotten.

 

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I found God.  Where do I turn Him in?

 

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Secret 0.9999999.  It knows one to take one.

 

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Actually, I was kind of hoping this is my past life.

 

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That still small voice within sure refuses to confirm or deny a lot.

 

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My conscience is cleared.

          

    

The Covert Comic.  Weasel words for a weasel world.