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The following document contains proven principles of intelligence tradecraft, as compiled and officially not published by CIA officer John Alejandro King.

In the intelligence world, tradecraft refers to the techniques employed by espionage officers to ensure the secure and fruitful conduct of intelligence operations. Such techniques include the collection and transmission of sensitive information, care and handling of agents, covert political and/or paramilitary action, obtaining book deals, film rights, merchandising agreements, etc.

Aspiring and established spooks alike are encouraged to study and internalize the concepts in this document, and officially not put them into practice in their own intelligence careers.

The , the whole and nothing but the .

... So help me .

Secret 653124141. Experience is a double agent.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of new facts is covert action.

Not only are things not what they appear to be, they're not even what they are.

They are also clueless, who already know the answer.

The honey stings, but the bee tastes sweet.

In most agencies, 'combat intelligence' isn't a noun, it's a directive.

Secret 6.329. The contact you're cold pitching is always you.

The following information should be treated as sensitive. It has feelings too.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Secret 9591514. If history is written in blood, it's redacted with urine.

Anyone without a trace of spy dust on their person is a spy.

Secret 29916091. It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it's smarter to get ordered to do it.

A CIA intelligence estimate is only as inaccurate as its subject matter.

Secret 5691316. Never confuse power with greatness. Power is far greater than greatness.

My mother used to tell me: “Always wash between your ears.”

Sex in the future will be much like it is today. That is, it'll be in the future.

Transparency implies cover.

The intelligence estimate provided to the policymaker estimates the policymaker's intelligence.

If you write on the mirror with your finger before it steams up, you're CIA material.

The E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. Principle

When planning and conducting operations, experienced intelligence officers employ the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle. Use the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle in your own intelligence activities each and every day!

E stands for ESPIONAGE.

Comment: This is to help you remember that it's called the 'E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E.' principle.

S stands for SPYING.

Comment: Interestingly, the word 'spy' comes from the word 'espionage.' Knowing this fact can further assist you in remembering the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle, and can make you interesting at parties (which are often useful venues for intelligence gathering).

P stands for PRACTICE.

Comment: Always practice good tradecraft (which includes memorizing the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle!).

I stands for INTELLIGENCE.

Comment: In the US Intelligence Community we practice the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle because we know we can never have enough intelligence.

O stands for OPERATIONS.

Comment: Useful intelligence is the result of effective intelligence operations. Effective intelligence operations are the result of good tradecraft. Good tradecraft is the result of constantly studying the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle. Constantly studying the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle is the manifestation of a deep-seeded inner hunger that is ultimately inseparable from one's essential being. One's essential being is the expression either of the willful act of an intelligent creator, or evolutionary mechanisms such as natural selection, mutation, genetic drift and/or gene flow. Which of these constitutes the true source of essential being is a fundamental question of human existence. Whatever the answer turns out to be, I think we can agree that good tradecraft, and hence the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle, are sure to play a role in helping humanity figure it all out.

N stands for NON-DISCLOSURE.

Comment: A critical element of tradecraft is the protection of classified information, sources and methods. For this reason, you should never disclose the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle to uncleared persons. But if you're thinking 'How does he know I'm not an uncleared person?' please see item G below.

A stands for AGENT.

Comment: In the intelligence world, an agent is a person recruited by an operations officer to provide sensitive information regarding the plans and intentions of a foreign government and/or multinational media corporation, as well as promote that officer's memoirs, spy novel, screenplay or other manuscript, negotiate film, merchandising and/or other rights, and otherwise protect and enhance our national security.

G stands for .

Comment: .

E stands for ESPIONAGE.

Comment: That's right, espionage again! It's a way of coming full circle to the realization that good tradecraft begins, and ends, with the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle!

Secret 100268. The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞.

SpookSpeak. Dead drop n. A location and/or process utilized for passing messages between intelligence operatives such that the operatives aren't required to physically meet. Examples of dead drops include hollowed out tree trunks, hidden niches along footpaths, draft folders in obscure e-mail accounts, and being married.

I have a strong sense of moral purpose. I can detect moral purpose approaching from over a kilometer away.

According to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, you can know the position on a key issue of a foreign head of state you've recruited, or you can know how fast that foreign head of state is changing his or her position in exchange for votes, money and/or sexual favors, but you can't know both at the same time.

If I'm no bigger than the things that annoy me, then I'm at least as big as whatever I annoy.

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to fill out and submit a Possibility Limits Discovery Request Form.

Secret 92.11. If it's a covert operation, you deny that you did it, but you don't necessarily deny that it happened. If it's a clandestine operation, you deny that it happened, but you don't necessarily deny that you did it.

The hell with cutting to the chase – let's cut straight to the crash.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed.

Secret 23580614965015.0. Toward an upper limit of five, for each word in the Executive Summary of a National Intelligence Estimate he or she actually reads, a policymaker's influence on policy making decreases by twenty percent.

I can't rise unless I’m already shining.

If charity begins at home, I bet I know in which room.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

There's nothing I wouldn't do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it.

Tolerance and hatred aren't mutually incompatible, they're mutually indispensable.

Carpe diem dulcis: Seize a nice day!

I've never been caught up in a love triangle, but I have had sex in a pentagon.

Secret 8.i.m. Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. They write it.

A tiger can't eat you if you hide in a lion's stomach.

If problems are opportunities in disguise, opportunities are work in drag.

Secret 9861046.1. Never place a romantic interest above an intelligence relationship, unless the three of you are comfortable in that position.

Any man who has to be taught how to fish probably has a limited life expectancy anyway.

Fortune favors the brave. They taste crunchier.

For a mid-level government employee, James Bond doesn't seem to get much sex.

SpookSpeak. Insensitive data n. Data that is callous or inconsiderate, deficient in sensibility, lacking in acuteness of feeling and/or unclassified.

Actually, real charity should care if it's tax deductible or not – if it is, it can donate the tax refund to charity!

There's nae business like spae business.

Secret 8391924. Sometimes down and out is better than up and in.

St. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn't always work in mysterious ways.

I'm in favor of appointing a standing committee, as long as it's standing against a wall.

Before surrendering to it, be advised that temptation is not a signatory to the Geneva Convention.

Death before dishonor. One thing at a time.

The only alternative to coexistence is co-extinction. And even then the difference is mostly packaging.

It's doux diligence where I come from.

If there's no magic bullet, how do you explain all the magic bullet holes?

Please don't insult my intelligence – my sources are doing the best they can.

The world is your safe house.

Secret 9780309084369 . Never lie on a polygraph. The needles get all bent, and then they ask you even more questions.

It's not a 'loophole,' it's a policy flexibility assurance aperture.

Technically speaking, you can't be corrupt and incompetent.

Sensitive But Unclassified is the poor man's For Official Use Only.

A whisper is a porn link everyone clicks.

If the Information Age is over, why are you telling me?

Einstein said: "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

Of course, good luck finding the "middle" of something in 4-dimensional curved space-time.

Universal Intelligence Estimate

Kingdoms fall

Temples crumble

All because a girl

Consents to take a tumble

Kingdoms rise

Temples men construct

All because a girl

Declines to get amorous

If you hear someone shouting 'Help!', go to them immediately – it may be first come first served.

Whatever you smash, call an idol.

Secret 3.25.1. If your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your ass.

Hold my government while I take over this drink.

Media reports of new CIA sex scandals raise troubling questions. Specifically, as a CIA officer, how come I never find out about new CIA sex scandals except through media reports???

3.0 x 10⁰cheers for scientific notation!

Most parties are gender reveal parties, eventually.

CIA brainwashing. Wet brain and apply CIA liberally, gently massaging into lobes. Rinse brain thoroughly. Repeat as needed.

I have overcome the desire for material things. There's way more money in antimatter.

Secret 6, 3-4. Life is a false flag operation.

Casual sex causes sexual casualties. I got laid for coming up with that.

The data isn't fudged, it's semi-sweetened.

Plans and Intentions:

An Intelligence Typology

1. In the Southern Hemisphere, the intention is to have a plan.

2. In the Northern Hemisphere, the plan is to have an intention.

I'd rather look at all the trannies orbit me, than have a transorbital leukotomy.

Real ultimate fighting means learning to be friends.

SpookSpeak. Secret writing n. Writing.

You say 'mixed reality' like there's some other kind.

The state of confusion has more than two senators.

What millions died that Caesar salad might be great.

My mission: recruit you to be a defector in place.

… Specifically, my place. – Intelligence Community pick-up line of the night

The ultimate invasion of privacy is privacy.

Better to be a Christian fed to lions, than a lion fed to Christians.

I'm not questioning that I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, I'm questioning whether that's a hand.

Art infiltrates life.

They pulled the rug out from on top of me. –

If silence is golden, turning state's evidence is at least platinum.

Robert Frost said “Hell is a half-filled auditorium.”

Obviously Frost never briefed an overcrowded SCIF.

The CIA is changing. We're slipping into something more comfortable.

Youth declares 'It fell.'

Maturity confesses 'I dropped it.'

Wisdom affirms 'It fell.'

The United States does not employ the 'honey trap' method to recruit foreign intelligence assets. The United States is the honey trap method.

Secret 430.354. Don't believe everything you be.

The public enemy number is always one.

How much of your to-do list is really a to-have-done-to-me list?

The Achilles' heel of Achilles' heel was Achilles.

We say 'I don't know whether I'm coming or going,' as if it were somehow possible to do only one at a time.

There's no such thing as finished intelligence, only finished intelligence officers.

Canada was supposed to be a melting pot too, but the fuel lines to the heating element froze.

Secret 354.430. When searching your soul, always check for false bottoms.

We Americans like to say we can't be the world's policeman. But at two o'clock in the morning, who's sitting in the world's donut shop wearing Kevlar and a nine-millimeter, eating Bavarian Creams?

To learn that all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten, I needed to go to graduate school.

After forty years in an abusive relationship, I finally found the courage to tell myself to get the hell out of my life.

If you ever did, you shouldn't. These things are fun, and fun is goodn't. – The Classified Dr. Seuss

Never mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness has been known to kill people for doing that.

Secret 5891368291035. The same asset can save your life, and get you killed. And not necessarily in that order.

WARNING: Due to centrifugal effects, what goes around, when coming around, may detach and accelerate rapidly toward observer.

I standby my principles.

It isn't that you can't cheat death, it's that death can't cheat you.

Fête the power!

In retrospect, it must be acknowledged that the Agency's secret rendition program was morally problematic – though as a CIA officer I stand by the quality of our in-flight movies.

I deny aiding the enemy. And as for abetting the enemy, I won every single wager.

What part of don't you understand?

Secret 42R. The crowd isn't booing, they're saying "Screw you."

When laughing because you must not cry, what if you laugh so hard you cry?

Secret 0.361929. Know thyself, but officially disavow the relationship.

If you've thrown up in one black helicopter, you've thrown up in them all.

What time isn't it?

The map is not the territory. The territory contains way more errors.

There's nothing I can tell you now that you don't already not know. – To a newly certified CIA case officeress.

Note to self: When casting my fate to the wind, make sure to cast it downwind next time.

Not only am I willing to die for my beliefs, I'm starting to get pretty good at it.

If, as the saying goes, we're descended not only from monkeys but from monks, who hit on whom?

Come to think of it, pretty much any word combined with 'intelligence' is an oxymoron.

They say a good briefer always leaves his audience laughing.

… Ha ha ha ha ha!

– Concluding remarks, while waving and walking from the podium

Appendix

Tradecraft Exercises

The following exercises have been shown to provide significant value in the development, maintenance and ongoing enhancement of intelligence tradecraft skills. While not exhaustive, this exercise set addresses many core elements of tradecraft as practiced by successful intelligence professionals throughout the IC. Readers need not attempt every exercise in this section, though it is recommended that they try each at least once. Professional and aspiring intelligence officers alike are encouraged to periodically review this list and repeat selected exercises from time to time as appropriate.

Tradecraft Exercise 1. Agent recruiting.

Imagine that people you meet are potential intelligence assets to be developed and recruited. Establish rapport and build trust; listen to and empathize with people’s experiences, thoughts and feelings; offer assistance as needed without creating the impression that you’re pursuing an agenda, etc.

Comment: When performing this exercise an actual recruitment pitch should not be attempted, unless you possess diplomatic immunity and/or a ready escape route.

Tradecraft Exercise 2. Covert operations.

Develop your covert ops skills by secretly performing small, helpful acts for people.

Comment: In the event you're detected performing small, helpful acts for people, the government may officially disavow knowledge of your existence.

Tradecraft Exercise 3. Operating under surveillance.

Pretend that every one of your actions and statements – even your innermost thoughts and feelings – are being monitored and recorded.

Comment: Engaging in rigorous tradecraft exercises like this can help you 'raise the bar' and position you for success in an ever more demanding, technologically advanced intelligence world. Furthermore, if classified reports of the existence of an all-seeing, all-knowing Light are accurate, then the regular practice of this and other tradecraft exercises may help you qualify for clearances with the ultimate agency.

Tradecraft Exercise 4. End poverty and injustice, and save the world.

Comment: Ending poverty and injustice and saving the world can be highly valuable in the development of a well-rounded intelligence professional. Studies show that intelligence officers who end poverty and injustice and save the world enjoy a markedly greater degree of job satisfaction, and are significantly more likely to attain success in field assignments.

Tradecraft Exercise 5. Practice pain tolerance.

To enhance your ability to withstand torture during interrogation, as well as survive physically demanding operations, develop techniques for successfully responding to physiological and/or psychological trauma and stress. Pain tolerance methods commonly employed by intelligence officers include breathing exercises, meditation, spiritual reflection and/or prayer, or/and the judicious consumption of Calimochos de CIA, a popular intelligence community drink consisting of Burgundy or another red wine, a caffeinated soft drink, and at least 90 proof vodka, gin or schnapps.

Comment: Mix and vary ingredients as appropriate.

Tradecraft Exercise 6. Crafting and perfecting disguise techniques.

Develop your ability to avoid being recognized as an intelligence officer by hostile services. Study your appearance and public persona, and look for ways to make yourself less 'visible.' Cultivate a calm, ordinary demeanor; create the impression of being humble, friendly and cooperative. To make the disguise complete, actually be this way as frequently as possible (preferably at least 99.9% of the time).

Comment: Remember, the most effective disguise is to be exactly who you are.

Tradecraft Exercise 7. Practice pleasure tolerance.

Comment: See Exercise 5 above.

Tradecraft Exercise 8. Get married and have a bunch of kids.

Comment: If you're already married and have a bunch of kids, you do not need to repeat this exercise.

Tradecraft Exercise 9. Enjoy a sunset.

Comment: For maximum tradecraft value, let the sunset enjoy you too.

The Covert Comic.

The trade is the trick.