Black Matters

Recently, while searching through intelligence archives at Langley, Virginia, I came across a thin black folder containing several faded typewritten pages; the documents appear to be notes of a cosmological nature, written by an unknown CIA officer around 1964. It seems this CIA official was undertaking classified research into fundamental properties of space-time and their potential harnessing for intelligence purposes. The results of said project (if indeed there were any results) have not been recorded for posterity, or are sufficiently classified such that neither I, nor anyone I know at CIA, is aware of them.

Ironically, the author of the notes in the small black folder in question is listed as one "John A. King." Given that covert CIA employees are routinely assigned generic-sounding cover names like this, I’m assuming it’s just a coincidence (your humble intelligence officer, John Alejandro King, could not possibly have composed these documents in 1964, since that was the year, more or less, of my birth).

In any event, a careful and thorough examination of the afore mentioned writings is certain to convince even the least/most cleared of readers that formal release of these papers by the Agency would not be in the interest of our Universal Security at this time. Accordingly, pursuant to Executive Order 13292, and to ensure that these most top secret of documents shall remain as obscure as possible, I’ve chosen to retire the original hardcopy manuscript, and post the transcribed record here on this little known, rarely accessed web page.

Thus may we be heedful of the admonition of the Gospel: There is no secret that shall not not be brought to light.

Cointelprose

We dance round in a ring and suppose

While the Secret sits in the middle, speaking Cointelprose

Cointelprose

If I neither confirm nor deny it

Cointelprose

Someone's sure to buy it

Back in the 1950's

The FBI proposed

A new kind of poetry:

Cointelprose

The moment you conceal it

Cointelprose

Is the moment you reveal it

Then came the ‘60's

When J. Edgar Hoover chose

To frame a bunch of Yippies

Using Cointelprose

Cointelprose

What rhymes with Weathermen?

How about: forged letter men?

Or: plant-dope-in-his-sweater-men?

No? Whatever then

Cointelprose

The moment you confess it

Cointelprose

Is the moment you suppress it

Along came the 70's

The Government disclosed

It had brainwashed several lefties

Through the agency of Cointelprose

Cointelprose

The moment it's detected

Cointelprose

Is the moment you're infected

On to the '80's

When the truth was exposed

That instead of spreading AIDS we

Spread Cointelprose

Cointelprose

The moment you hate it

Cointelprose

Is the moment you fellate it

Fast forward to the '90's

A controversy arose

When the CIA was cited

For smuggling muchos kilos

Of Cointelprose

Cointelprose

If you're an activist

Blow-n-tell-prose

We’ll claim you're a cracktivist

Show-n-don't-tell-prose

See, we got our own hacktivists

Your files to recompose

Now in the Year Zero

We'd best be on our toes

For all o’ the weirdos

The terrorists and queeros

And even the poets are cleared, so

The end is surely near, no?

For Cointelprose

Application for CIA Employment

When were you born?

What is your current address?

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Have you ever used illegal drugs?

Lao Tzu (TS-codeword):

Those who know don’t talk

Those who talk don’t know

The Covert Comic (BS-codeword):

What didn’t Lao Tzu know

And when didn’t he talk it?

Are you fluent in a language other than America?

Are you loyal to the United States of English?

Why don’t you wish to work for the Central Intelligence Agency?

They say: Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it

I say: Life is anything that doesn’t die when you stomp on it

Do you currently possess US Government security clearances?

Do US Government security clearances currently possess you?

Are you prepared to bring people to life if directed by your superior to do so?

Did you know I’ve been watching you from the satellite this entire time?

I’ve been spying on this Russian intel officer

Who’s spying on an FBI agent

Who’s spying on me

It’s kind of funny because

Whenever I move my hand, I can actually see my hand moving

A split second earlier

A man without a woman

Is like a bicycle seat without the fish smell

What is your mother's maiden name?

What is your mother?

Are you going to eat the rest of that sandwich?

Did you know you’ve been watching me from the satellite this entire time?

A guy applied to the CIA

And in his application form, he left every question blank

When the recruiter asked him why he did this, the guy responded:

“If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anyway

But if you hire me, the answers are all classified”

… If you wish, you may base your application for CIA employment

Entirely on your answer to the following question:

Was the applicant in the above story hired, and if so/if not, why?

Alternatively, if you wish you may answer the following questions:

When will you be born?

What will be your current address?

When do you intend to be convicted of a felony?

When will you be illegal drugs?

Mark 3, 21

Jesus said

'Sell everything you have

And give the money to the poor'

Accordingly, I sold everything I had

And gave the money to the poor

Upon which, those former poor people

Used the money I had given them

To buy all the stuff I'd sold

Then, being good Christians

And seeing that I was poor

These nouveau riche

Sold everything they had just purchased

And gave me the money

At this point I figured what the hell

I took the money they had given me

And bought all my old stuff back

Sunday we're having a meeting at my place

To figure out what to do next

(Note: I can both confirm and deny that the phrases 'dangerous microorganisms,' 'dangerous toxins derived from dangerous microorganisms,' and 'live and work for peace' have at least zero meanings.)

How to Make a Biological Weapon

John Alejandro King

a.k.a. The Covert Comic

1. Acquire dangerous microorganisms, and/or dangerous toxins derived from dangerous microorganisms.

(Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don't hurt yourself or others! Live and work for peace!)

2. Seal the dangerous microorganisms, and/or dangerous toxins derived from dangerous microorganisms, safely in a containment device.

(Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don't hurt yourself or others! Live and work for peace!)

3. Attach the device containing the dangerous microorganisms and/or dangerous toxins derived from microorganisms to a dissemination mechanism (such as a high explosive – though I strongly advise against it).

(Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don't hurt yourself or others! Live and work for peace!)

4. Congratulations, you now have a biological weapon.

(Official Disclaimer: For God's sake, be careful! Don't hurt yourself or others! Live and work for peace!)

The Lady Schick

Here I lie forsaken

And listen to the clock hand tick

And reflect upon my solitude

For want of a Lady Schick

He came to my distant village

My trembling hand to pick

And among the gifts he bore that day

Was a brand new Lady Schick

We married, and moved to his country

But at first, for fear of nick

I told him I was frightened

Of using my Lady Schick

The months passed by, and as love grew

I vowed to learn the trick

But I never did quite get around

To trying my Lady Schick

My girlfriends would gently chide me

For looking like such a hick

But even as I laughed, I dallied

From using my Lady Schick

Sometimes at night I’d wonder

As his soft cheek my thigh’d prick

If just one time it would kill me

To try out my Lady Schick

One morning he left ‘on business’

His frown made my pulse beat quick

I looked in the bathroom, and sure enough

He’d taken the Lady Schick

So now I lie forsaken

With grieving heart grown sick

And promise myself tomorrow

... To think about possibly buying a Lady Schick

Spaiku

What if everyone

Knew everything – then some guy

Came selling secrets?

We are so damn free

Parasite Heaven

You might assume it's hellish

But reflect for a moment

On the implications of being a human

In parasite heaven

First of all, the parasites would obviously want you to be as healthy as possible

Which would mean: plenty of good food for you

And also (ironically) ... minimal parasites!

After all, this being Parasite Paradise

Each parasite would have its own personal, disease-free host organism

So right off the top, you'd probably have less parasites than you currently have here on Earth

In parasite heaven

Also, in parasite heaven

Your parasite would want you to be happily occupied

You know, so you wouldn't worry about having a parasite inside you

And constantly be picking at it

So figure that, in addition to being healthy and well fed, you'd have lots of interesting things to do and study

In fact, it’s probably safe to say you’d be high all the time

In parasite heaven

One thing about parasites:

They like to lay eggs

And in parasite heaven, with its one-organism-per-parasite policy

There would have to be plenty of corresponding human reproduction

... And you know what that means

That's right folks

Romance eternal

In parasite heaven!

Really, when you think about it

We human beings

Would not be unlike parasites

In parasite heaven

Conclusion:

No doubt more research is needed

Before these tentative results can officially be blessed

By the parasitological community

Nevertheless, I'm confident that further study, along with prayerful contemplation, will confirm

That the only real difference between hereafters human and parasitical

Is one tiny, brilliant vermin of light

In parasite heaven!

Twelve Ways to Terminate Your Asset

The Covert Comic

(To the tune of '50 Ways to Make Your Dead Drop')

Just put him on a flight, Dwight

Abduct him in Rome, Noam

Organize a coup, Lou

Deny him a visa, Lisa

Obtain a compromising pic, Dick

Spike his green tea, Lee

Hook him up to a poly, Polly

Get him indicted by the Hague, Craig

Install him as PM, Lem

Claim he's a Jew, Abu

Just marry him, Mariam

Disclose she works for CIA, ‘Official A’

Sex for Fun

Man he jerks from sun to sun

And woman's jerking's never done

Listen daughter, listen son

There’s no such thing as sex for fun

They'll sex you for a wedding ring

They'll sex you for a song to sing

They'll sex you for a coke and rum

But there's no such thing as sex for fun

They’ll sex you ‘cause they think you’re zealous

They’ll sex you to make their girlfriend jealous

They'll sex you just to make a pun

But there’s no such thing as sex for fun

They'll sex you for a credit card

They'll sex you if you clean the yard

She'll wear that girl scout outfit, 'hon

But there's no such thing as sex for fun

They act as if it's gonna kill 'em

They act as if you're trying to bill 'em

Want my advice? Bill by the ton

There's no such thing as sex for fun

They’ll sex you ‘cause they feel neglected

They’ll sex you ‘cause they’ve been infected

But sex for pleasure – it’s just not done

There's no such thing as sex for fun

They'll stroke you 'cause they think they should

But not because it feels good

It's none for all, and all for nuns

There's no such thing as sex for fun

They're happy if you're on your knees

But not for their own loins to please

Their libido never wasn't numb

There's no such thing as sex for fun

You hear the old and gray all vow:

'If I knew then what I know now …

The smallest little kiss I'd shun

There's no such thing as sex for fun'

You creep along that shadow street

A kindred soul in hopes to meet

Better you should fellate a gun

Than dream of having sex for fun

For when at last you find your mate

You'll soon prefer to masturbate

And if your mate begs you for some

You'll say 'There ain't no sex for fun'

So take your pleasures where you get 'em

But as for carnal joys, forget 'em

Save it up for kingdom come

There's no such thing as sex for fun

For man he jerks from sun to sun

And woman's jerking's never done

Listen daughter, listen son

There's no such thing as sex for fun

You Go Girl

You go girl

Expression of approval

You're doing well

Fellow possessor of ovaries

You go girl

Empirico-metaphysical observation

You and your nails keep on moving

Through space, time, and Goddess knows what

You go girl

Requested action

Please take that attitude

Somewhere else honey

You go girl

Poetic sentiment

You decide to walk with mouth open

Bright color on your lips

Pornology on the Life of Noam Chomsky

John Alejandro King

1928:

Chomsky born in Germany

Or Minnesota, or both

1933:

Family forced to leave Germany by the Nazis

Or forced to leave Nazis by the Germans

Or Minnesota, or both

1936:

Probably something about

New Deal Anti-Fascist Socialist International

And some oppressed worker

Beating a dog

1939:

And there's got to be an Early Influence

Some Woman named Gold Man, or something

And young Noam utters several words, thereby revealing

An early aptitude for linguistics

1943:

Talks about volunteering

For military service in World War II

Only to be told:

'It's all language'

1950's:

Red Scare

Blacklisting

Followed shortly by

Black Scare

Redlisting

And Chomsky feels inner rumblings

Portending momentous insight:

US Government policy

Frequently favors rich people

1960:

First learns of 'linguistics'

While tongue kissing in Latin class

... I guess you had to be there

1961:

Small wrinkled human

Emerges from Wisconsin vagina

Won't happen again for at least a generation

Chomsky not responsible

Though you have to admit:

That's some serious transformational grammar

1962:

Publishes first article on linguistics

First article consists of the word the

(Yeah, those FBI guys didn't laugh at that joke either …)

1962 and 1/2:

Becomes internationally famous

As well he should

1963:

Does not assassinate JFK

But does criticize him a little

1964:

Appears on the Ed Sullivan Show

Infamous hip-shaking linguistics incident

Forever barred from analyzing language

On family television

1965:

Can't get no satisfaction

But does give great linguistics

1968:

Time of social ferment

Society begins to rot, turn into moonshine

Chomsky publishes book on linguistic theory

Makes radical claim

But owing to the nature of language

No one can know what the claim is

1970:

Seriously

You better Stop the War

We'll elect a conservative whore

After this decade is out

1980:

Please Restore the War

As soon as possible

Also, Chomsky receives a Guggenheim

Or Nazi Germany

Or Minnesota, or both

1986:

Interviewed on National Public Radio

Introduces new concept in linguistics:

The Theory of Central America

Shows, via linguistic analysis

Poems by Republicans

Cannot exist

1954:

Uses linguistics

To travel back in time

Changes name to 'Noam Chomsky'

Quips "A name is a life sentence

... Get it?"

1990's:

Did somebody say something?

Hard times for linguists

2911:

Interviewed on National Public Mind-Meld

Comments on new trends

In thought transference

And the future of linguistics

In a tongueless society

And who really built the World Trade Center?

Chomsky declares:

US Government policy

Occasionally nearly leaves him at a loss for words

3911:

Finally acknowledges

What biographers have long suspected:

'Noam Chomsky' is one hilarious sounding name

Especially for a linguist

January 4911:

Refuses to annihilate the Massachusetts Institute of Linguistics

Though he possesses the powers to do so

Fall 4911:

Awarded the Nobel Prize for Lip-Synching

In famous thought-speech renouncing linguistics

Intellectualizes the now famous gag:

'I am finished with tongue-tonguing'

95862 'K':

Council of the Great Attractor

Officially declares language

Another word for ‘Chomsky’

… I guess we’ll all have to be there

Eternity:

This shadow sun

Would that it were breathing

But I have seen it beat, like a heartthrob

More than once in these score and twenty years

Eyes Only

And the safe house was safe

And our words were Eyes Only

And the brush pass had been made

And our hearts were pounding

And the window shone white silver

And the other window didn’t

And we rattled the bed frame in code

And the message was top secret

When is a safe house safe?

When there’s nobody from CIA in it

That’s what the Security guy told us

Which I guess implies

It was a safe safe house

’Cause our two bodies worked for State Department

… And oh yes, this poem is indeed encrypted

Only one other agent could possibly decipher it

Think you know its meaning?

Well then, maybe you’re that agent

In which case you also know

That the brush pass had been made

And the street would soon be quiet

And the window shone white silver

And the other window didn’t

And regimes would fall

Because of this covert action

And the safe house was safe

And our words were Eyes Only

Black Matters

If you reach into everything

At the speed of light

From the perspective of an observer

You’ll have no height, no width, and no length

And if you reach into everything

At the speed of light

From the perspective of an observer

You’ll possess no mass

And if you reach into everything

At the speed of light

From the perspective of an observer

You’ll have no end, and no beginning

But as for how to reach into everything

At the speed of light

Einstein's general poem of relativity advises:

Observe

CIA Destroys Universe To Test New Theory

(Note: image only simulated – not really happening)

That Poem!

That poem!

I want that poem!

That poem over there

The one like a hippie girl’s hair

The one that’s off-color

And hangs different from the others

That poem!

No, not that poem

… that poem

The one just below the sonnet

The one with no price tag on it

And the middle two ends that don’t fit right

Can’t you see the one I’m pointing at?

That poem!

Yeah, that poem!

How much is that poem?

… What?

You gotta be joking

For that piece of loony verse?!

What have you been smoking?

You want all the money in the universe

For that poem?!

Anything Too Stupid to Be Spoken is Sung

A Song by The Covert Comic

When I was young I heard a song by Sonny and Cher

The lyrics had been written by some guy named Voltaire

It had a hook that moved me but the beat was just fair

Let’s sing it all together! Take a deep breath of air

And sing:

Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung

The chorus is so catchy it just slides off your tongue

So go ahead and sing it at the top of your lungs

Anything too stupid to be spoken … is suuuuunnnng

I later saw a singer with a big Rasta cap

Perform a reggae version, and it made my toes tap

A Celtic lady sang it playing a harp on her lap

But my favorite version’s Kanye West, doin’ it in rap

Singin’:

Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung

The chorus is so catchy it just slides off your tongue

To make it more commercial you can add bass and drums

But anything too stupid to be spoken … is suuuuunnnng

Voltaire got sued for plagiarism and then had to pay

Half royalties to a singer named Pierre Beaumarchais

At the trial the judge wore headphones and sat humming all day

The jury sang its verdict then yelled ‘Let that song play!’

And they sang:

Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung

The chorus is so catchy it just slides off your tongue

Sing the words in harmony, or in unison

But anything too stupid to be spoken … is suuuuunnnng

… Oh baby now

[Repeat chorus]

So Thin

It’s so thin

This veil that separates

Light and darkness

But as for the wall dividing

Sunlight and shadow

It has no thickness at all

For My Agents

Well, there's Inez

Who sold me secrets for a song

Back in the zeroes

About guys wearing imitation leather masks

Who stood at Colombian roadblocks

And if one of them nodded at you

You never existed

Inez had a fishbowl with three piranha

One of which was missing its right eye

... I've said too much already

Then there's Mohammed

From Michigan

Buys pills for imams

With projectile dysfunction

This guy does a tour in your country

And your country gives birth

... I've toured too much already

Larry Wu

Mormon (of course)

I mean, how else do you explain the fact

That when the Russians tried to get him smashed in Minsk

He drank them all under the table

The really comical part:

He called Headquarters asking what to do

Not about the Slavs sprawled around the dacha

But the angels circling above his head

... I've drank too much already

… Ahhhhhhhhh

Fran

Fran, Fran, Fran

Nearly six-foot-tall, plausibly deniably blonde, luscious Fran

She's got knees that write their own chapbooks

... I've read too much already

Hey, anybody heard from Zum’r?

I know he was in Damascus recently

On every tour, the guy has his picture taken

Standing outside the local intelligence headquarters

Always does the same gag pose

The thing I like about Zum’r:

If you look at his photo just right

You can actually see him vanish

... I've looked too much already

And there are so many more

Which means, of course, there aren't any

Agents of mine

Who fly into hell on business class

Then fly back home in body bags

And in the Langley morgue, when the coroner unzips them

They sit up and give the password:

A joke question

About the food at Headquarters cafeteria

And then it's back to work

... And who hasn't worked too much already?

I hold you in my heart!

My clandestine clan, my true intelligence agents!

If only you knew what secrets you've told me

And what secrets I'm telling you now

... We've told too much already, my people

You know who you aren't

The following is a transcript of a classified briefing that describes research I will apparently undertake in the future regarding certain complex properties of space-time and their potential harnessing for intelligence purposes. Given the potential sensitivity of the subject matter, the results of this project (if there are to be any results) will likely need to be treated as black as possible. Toward this end, in addition to typing up paper copies for analysis and follow-up action (if any), it may be advisable to collocate an ‘electronic’ version of this transcript on the new ‘internal data network’ currently under development within the US Intelligence Community. In this way we can ensure maximum compartmentation of this project in the near term, while making certain that only the most highly cleared have access to this information in years to come.

A funny thing's going to happen on the way to the universe tonight …

How could I have suspected

When I said I was a stand-up comedian working for the CIA

That one day I would discover

This is actually true?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

They say comparisons are odious

I say: compared to what?

Many things are needed

In order to solve a society's problems

For example, you need a society

And you need at least one or two problems

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Mission criticality does not imply criticality of mission

There are no friendly intelligence services – only horny ones

If I told you 'If I told you, I'd have to kill you,' you'd be dead already

Black you. Black you very much.

Born Secret, zombified For Official Use Only

Remember: whenever you have sex with yourself, you're having sex with everyone you'll ever have sex with

There's safety in numbers, provided the number is a multiple of √-1

Black you. Black your very touch.

Fear not the moment of truth, but the moment after

Please 'remain' calm???

Failed writer?! I'll have you know I've written numerous words!

Secret 22. To possess an infinite sense of humor, and to possess no sense of humor, tend toward equality

… I guess you'll have to be there

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and please believe me when I say: you're going to be a great audience!

The Covert Comic.

King of Internet Noir.™