Covert Comic: My War On Terror!

Covertly materialized at 0402 hrs this morning in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and deserted CIA outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and surfing the classified Net.

… At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than usual in the Homeland.

Calmly removed the techno-trance file and queued up Life Is Life by Opus (or by Laibach, depending on your worldview). Unplugged the headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast, and let 'er rip.

Around the third verse, turned the volume down a little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the terrorist attack had been replaced by a controversial report on same-sex marriage.

Waited until the song was over, just to make sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to techno-trance.

Dutifully logged successful execution of another covert operation in … My War on Terror!®

Tuesday

Danger is my hobby.

Got up early this morning and checked the Department of Homeland Security's latest Terror Alert. Reviewed the list of frequently asked questions on their web site. Was particularly amused by the question: Why duct tape and plastic sheeting?

Also thought about terror.

Wednesday

The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building.

Secret 6891.222. The difference between a Top Secret document, and a document marked For Official Use Only, is that the latter can be used as a doorstop in any US Government facility, while the former is only permitted to serve this function inside a secure US Government vault.

Thursday

The term 'holy war' isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.

Following work this evening, sat around the house chatting with the wife and playing with the kids. Read an article in the newspaper about feminists calling for a 'sex strike' by women to protest the war in Iraq. Was surprised to learn that women weren't on sex strike already.

Also thought about terror.

Friday

In America we don't have suicide bombers, we have 'successful people.'

Secret 911.1906. Non-violence is better than no violence at all.

Monday

The International Spy Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is located across the river in Langley, Virginia.

Disabled a terrorist explosive device at CIA Headquarters this morning. The bomb, which was cleverly disguised as one of those small robotic lawnmowers, was moving toward the Kryptos sculpture in the Inner Courtyard when I noticed it on my way to the cafeteria to get coffee and a pastry prior to attending an intelligence briefing. Disregarding my personal safety (i.e., my need for caffeine and sugar prior to early morning briefings), I instinctively bolted out a side door, sprinted across the grass, and stomped the device into several dozen pieces before it could detonate.

Although I quickly left the scene so as not to be late for the meeting (without having time to purchase coffee and pastry, I might add), I heard afterwards that someone called Security, who immediately launched an investigation into the incident. No doubt we'll learn that this attack was an Al Qaeda operation.

I don't really consider myself a hero for what I did. On the contrary, I'd like to think that any Agency employee, seeing our beloved Kryptos sculpture in peril, would have responded the same way.

Not that I for a single moment consider myself deserving, but in the event I'm awarded the Distinguished Intelligence Cross for my actions today, I intend to respectfully decline the honor. For me, it's reward enough knowing that I'm helping win small battles like this - battles in our war, your war … My War on Terror!®

Tuesday

They say that unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. Then again, if you're a dog you probably like that view.

Secret 9.22. On the other hand, it's now a statistical certainty that Al Qaeda has killed at least one mime.

Wednesday

Wanna come over to my place and see my intelligence collection?

Whenever I watch that TV commercial showing a woman in a sheer black negligee driving a steamroller over a washing machine, and the little caption at the bottom of the screen says 'Do not attempt,' I always wonder what exactly it is I'm not supposed to be attempting: to crush a washing machine with a steamroller, to wear a negligee, to be a woman, or some combination of the above?

Thursday

Sometimes in my mind I can still see Grandma's old Bible, with its leathery cover, tattered spine and frayed edges. But then I think: wait, that's not Grandma's Bible, that's Grandma.

Secret 69101.7. The famous marketing principle, 'If you can't state your position in eight words or less, you don't have a position,' can't be stated in eight words or less.

Friday

Secret 3291314. All the world's not a stage, it's a huge Cone of Silence.

At one point at CIA I seriously investigated the idea of developing biological body armor. The basic concept: if an American soldier or intelligence officer serving overseas were attacked, highly contagious debilitating organisms would be released from the body armor and infect his or her attackers. Eventually I gave up on the project when I realized that this form of armor already exists, and is America itself.

Sunday

Secret 5562.1. All situations are hypothetical.

While strolling in what I thought was a shopping mall this morning, was telling a friend a joke about mega-churches … when I suddenly realized I was in a mega-church.

To avoid seeming disrespectful, quickly changed the subject to terror.

It's Sunday afternoon – the weekend's almost here! Think I'll have a drink or two with the wife while the kids run around in the yard, then turn in early this evening. Need to be well rested when I log in at work shortly after 0400 tomorrow morning, play Oh Happy Day by the Edwin Hawkins Singers at full volume on my computer, and thereby unleash another inspired offensive in … My War on Terror!®

Monday

Secret 121789. If you don't attend counterterrorism briefings for the donuts first and the intel second, you're the terrorist.

Subdued a terrorist this morning who had seized a conference room and was holding several co-workers hostage. The terrorist, who was attempting to forcibly convert our society to his militant, extremist form of Islam, instantly collapsed in a heap when I smashed a window and tasered him.

I later confirmed with two Muslim team members that this individual's bizarre sect, known as 'Maximize Productivity through Brainstorming!' in no way represents the true Islamic faith, and is utterly rejected by modern, open minded, democratically inclined Muslims everywhere.

As for how this terrorist managed to slip through security, I can confirm that he had a consultant badge and was professionally dressed – doubtless an agent from an Al Qaeda sleeper cell who'd planned this assault years in advance.

Definitely a close call, but thanks to constant vigilance and decisive action, chalk up another victory in … My War on Terror!®

Tuesday

There's a continuous thread of moral purpose running through the history of America . And being a thread, it's a little hard to see at times.

Whenever I hear someone say 'Where I come from, we used to leave our front doors unlocked at night,' I always ask that person to close their eyes for a second.

Then I tell them "Yeah, I remember you now."

Wednesday

I'd like to teach the world to sing 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony' in perfect harmony.

It isn't that my wife doesn't have a sex drive - it's just that she has a sex neutral, a sex park, and a sex reverse too.

Thursday

Secret 969.166. Better a consultant who tap dances, than a consultant who does the moonwalk.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again.

Friday

What the CIA tells Congress it's doing, and what the CIA is really doing, are three different things.

Monday

Secret 111.234. To observe meeting etiquette and arrive at a meeting on time requires that you violate meeting etiquette and leave the previous meeting early.

Captured two terrorists this evening who were cleverly disguised in respectable white, short-sleeved business shirts and black ties. The terrorists, who were riding bicycles, attempted to enter my home and forcibly convert my family and me to an obscure sect of extremist Islam.

They're tied up in our attic now. Haven't decided what to do with these jokers just yet.

Tuesday

I read the Cannibal Manifesto. The part where it says they like to eat people is on page 289.

The famous maxim, 'Know your enemy,' is never more fitting than when applied to the War on Terror. Central to success in any struggle to defeat terror is understanding how to recognize terrorists. Even for an experienced professional counter-terror expert like your humble spook, identifying terrorists can be a complex task requiring careful observation and, of course, plenty of intelligence. Nevertheless, even folks who don't work for Government intelligence agencies can learn to recognize terroristic individuals and organizations if they know the signs. In this spirit, I offer the following guidelines as a public service.

A typical terrorist will tend to demonstrate one or more of these characteristics:

1. Pleasure in inflicting terror.

a. The terror may take the form of real or threatened bodily injury, admonishment of damnation in the afterlife, threats of termination of employment, or other situations that reasonable people would normally find intimidating (e.g. being forced to attend team-building exercises, 'talking about one's feelings,' etc.).

i. Note: persons who derive pleasure from having terror inflicted upon them are not normally considered terrorists, properly speaking. Such persons are more appropriately referred to as 'Terrorists' – with a capital 'T' – in order to identify their allegiance to terror as a personal belief system and preferred way of life, and to distinguish them from terrorists per se.

2. Tendency to accuse others of inflicting terror.

a. A well-known tactic of terrorists is to accuse those who disagree with them, or even their own victims, of terrorism. This isn't to say that everyone who calls someone else a terrorist is necessarily a terrorist himself or herself. However, studies suggest that at least 90% of all persons who do this are in fact terrorists in their own right.

i. It should be noted that just because someone or something scares you does not mean that person, organization or object is a terrorist. That person, organization or object could be a Terrorist instead.

3. Tendency to criticize people who don't feel terrorized (especially when such people make friendly, completely well-intentioned jokes about a situation in an effort to help reduce worry and relieve stress).

Wednesday

My favorite Barry Goldwater quote isn't “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice.” It's the statement he made immediately following that: “… Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building is the world's largest structure – it's actually known to rain inside it on occasion.

Today I was privileged to be taken on a tour of this storied facility with a US Intelligence Community delegation, and we experienced the phenomenon firsthand. The workers on the scaffolding far above us seemed unfazed by the conditions – we could actually hear them shouting and laughing about it 'raining inside the building again.'

Thursday

Happy the country where an honest man speaks as loudly as a scoundrel – for the two will tend to drown each other out.

Response to reader e-mail: I never said that the Pentagon is like a piñata. I said that the Pentagon is a piñata.

Saturday

Isn't it neat the way home improvement stores will let you spend the whole day there practicing sawing lumber?

Went shopping with the wife and kids today. Reflected on how fortunate we are to live in a community where the local Burger King has a 'God Bless America' banner in front of the drive-thru. Because otherwise we'd have no choice but to purchase our burgers and fries at the Al Qaeda's across the street.

Monday

'No one can terrorize a whole nation, unless we are all his accomplices?' You mean I could terrorize a whole nation?!

The 9/11 Principle: The insightfulness of any maxim regarding God, love, truth, liberty, justice, etc. will tend to be multiplied exponentially if the key word or concept of that maxim is replaced with the term '9/11.'

For further information on this most classified of topics, click HERE.

And remember: The only thing we have to 9/11 is 9/11 itself.

Tuesday

Secret 807.1. Anything war can do, peace can do better. Especially kill people.

Fundamental to winning the War on Terror is, of course, choosing the right weapons. As a fully cleared, battle-tested intelligence officer with a documented record of routing terrorism throughout the world, I recommend several weapons which have proven their worth to me and to many other counter-terror professionals I know in real-life situations. Among these weapons are the following:

1. Being calm, optimistic, friendly, and cultivating a mildly cynical sense of humor.

2. Believing in the Light.

3. When necessary, employing covert intelligence operations (legally if at all possible) to induce extremists to destroy each other.

4. El Calimocho de Cia.

For those not familiar with the covert intelligence world, a Calimocho de Cia is a non-lethal chemical agent, legal in most countries and widely available in virtually all, which has been shown to be extremely effective against terror and terrorism. To produce a Calimocho de Cia (or 'CC' for short), simply mix one full bottle of Diet Coke or any other well caffeinated cola soft drink (either 20 oz or 16 oz plastic bottles are suitable) with a very generous quantity (at least one large glass worth) of burgundy or other potent red wine; then add a small to medium-sized shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps or comparable booze. Be sure to deploy as cold as possible.

Apply to terrorists whenever and wherever feasible - but in any and all cases, to one self and one's allies.

Believe me when I neither confirm nor deny that this particular weapon has been known to defeat global, nay, even universal, networks of terror.

Wednesday

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Gave a counterproliferation briefing to a group of visiting foreign intelligence officers at HQS today. Got a big laugh when I told them: "Victims of biotoxin attack experience acute paralysis, lose control of bodily functions, and exhibit severe twitching and convulsions. You know, like a lot of us on our wedding night."

Also nudged terror and winked knowingly.

Friday

Is that a pickle in my pocket, or am I just glad to see me?

Once the chess match is finished, the king and the pawns go back in the same box (but the king, of course, has a special compartment).

Sunday

I wouldn't mind that most men lead lives of quiet desperation, if they weren't so loud about it.

Drove the family to DC for a stroll along the Washington Mall this afternoon. Remained constantly on the alert for terror, but all I saw were some guys with machine guns.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don't see me flaunting it in public like that.

Back home following our excursion, I had a couple of Calimochos de Cia and hung out with the wife and kids in our yard.

Going to bed early tonight. Want to be rested and focused tomorrow morning when I play Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet on my computer at work (full volume, of course) hours before dawn. There's nothing like hearing that screeching Icelandic voice echo through the dark halls of a CIA building around 4:00 a.m. It's a most exhilarating way to begin a fresh work week, and invariably inspires great new operational concepts on behalf of ... My War on Terror!®

Monday

If it falls on me and pins me underneath it, does that count as 'seizing the day?'

Early this morning I discovered that my web site had been removed from the Internet by terrorists. The officially stated reason was 'non-payment of web hosting fee,' though it's obvious to any cleared observer that an Al Qaeda cell must have infiltrated my Internet provider and accessed and manipulated my account information.

I was easily able to thwart this terrorist operation simply by paying my bill, plus a small late charge.

Tuesday

The blame lies not with this or that agency, but with that agency.

Are more people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying attention to?

Wednesday

As a conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I support the privatization of that invasion.

Received an e-mail from a military buddy serving in Iraq. He reports that your humble intel officer's counter-terror weapon of choice, the Calimocho de Cia, is enjoying growing popularity among US and Coalition troops there.

According to my source, the CC has significantly improved US and Coalition morale and combat effectiveness, and is starting to find favor among Iraqis fighting against terror as well.

Speaking of improved morale, this morning I submitted the following item as a candidate for publication in an increasingly popular and influential Intelligence Community periodical (cleared readers only, please).

A 'Shrapnel Ceiling?'

An analysis of terrorist attacks reported over the last five years reveals that female suicide bombers inflict less than 30% of the casualties attributed to their male counterparts. Is this glaring discrepancy the result of systematic inequalities in training and access to infrastructural support for female terrorists, or are the most lucrative terrorism targets being reserved primarily for suicide bombers who are men? Further research is needed, according to counterterrorism experts.

Naturally, in the event such research does manage to get approved, your humble spook will be poised to immediately step in with a detailed technical proposal, along with an accompanying funding request (possibly to include the proposed hiring of several new resources for my team).

… Hey, if you're fighting a war on terror anyway, what's wrong with making a little profit?

Indeed, to make it profitable is, in a very real sense, to already be winning the war on terror.

Thursday

In space, if you bend down to pray, be careful not to lose your footing, or you'll go tumbling end over end through the cosmos forever.

Chased away a terrorist this evening I found crouching just above the sliding door on the deck of our townhome. Judging from its large distended abdomen, I suspect this terrorist was a female carrying an egg sack.

At first I was going to kill it, but in the end I just flicked it down from its perch with a stick and nudged it off our deck with my shoe.

Please don't get me wrong here - I was not being soft on terror. On the contrary, by now I fully expect this particular terrorist has given birth, and her offspring are eating her alive even as we speak.

Friday

If you're not part of the solution, maybe you're the whole solution!

You be my suicide bomber, I'll be your bomb-sniffing dog.

Monday

Give us this day our Daily Brief.

Has there been a new terrorist attack? This evening at the shopping mall I noticed a lot more people than usual who looked like they were dying from exposure to nerve agent.

Tuesday

In Islam it's called a 'fatwa.' In the Christian religion, it's known as a 'Memorandum for the Record.'

They've installed new automated air fresheners in the restrooms at work. Every time a person walks through the door the machine spurts out a small dose of scent.

... At least it does this every time I walk in.

Wednesday

Mao Zedong said "A revolution is not a dinner party." Mao was right of course – a revolution is much more like dinner theater.

When they say 'no preparation necessary,' do they mean to prepare isn't necessary, or that it's necessary to not prepare?

Friday

There's a fine line between surrounding yourself with talented people, and employing human shields.

James Michener said: 'If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as well stay home.'

The problem is, that's how I feel about my home.

Saturday

Secreto 6291318. No hay I en team, pero hay dos yos en yo-yo.

Monday

CIA is the big wet friendly dog of international espionage.

Saw an advertisement for a book called How to Survive an Affair. The cover showed a picture of a woman looking brave and empowered.

Reflected that there should be similar books for the people who get cheated on.

Also thought about terror.

Tuesday

The fact that you're a 'person of interest' doesn't make you an interesting person.

Does each of us not sell his body to strangers for money?

… Because a lot of nights it seems like I'm the only person standing out here.

Wednesday

You're not really jacking off to pictures on the Internet, you're really jacking off to the Internet itself.

Remember the feeling of panic you had as a child when you were walking along the street and couldn't find your house? And remember the feeling you had when you finally found your house, and you were back safe inside with your family? Remember how terrifying that feeling was?

Thursday

That's 'Great Satan' with a capital G and S, if you don't mind!

My wife is thinking about having another baby. As for me, I've got a few questions. First of all, how many children do we have now?

Friday

Secret 0.9913211. If life is a box of chocolates, that definitely explains all the farting.

Pretend to be scared, as appropriate.

Monday

Secret 1091. All coffee is instant coffee.

Am writing the above epiphany even before I experience it. That's right, America: the CIA time satellite has [officially not] been rolled out and fired up for a genuine covert action.

Four weeks, maybe four nights of sleep. Maybe.

Sitting here at 0345 HRS in HQS supporting this major operation, which I do truly believe will help make the world a better (or at least a somewhat less overcrowded) place, I'm reminded of that semi-classified saying by Max De Pree: We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

... The point being: once this op is finished, that statement hopefully won't be true anymore.

Tuesday

Chiasmus is a waste of time. But then, time is a waste of chiasmus.

I'm going to be honest. I have absolutely no idea what happened in the War on Terror today. Much of the morning and early afternoon I spent unconscious, recovering from the covert operation that officially didn't happen this last month or so.

... Which in my opinion should itself constitute at least an implicit victory in ... My War on Terror!®

Wednesday

All things being equal, you'd never need to use this cliché.

Millions long for immorality, who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

... What? It's 'immortality?'

That too.

Thursday

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it's becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag has actually been increasing over time.

I read that children in America's inner city schools confront death and hopelessness on a daily basis.

It's good to know Existentialist philosophy is finally being taught in America's inner city schools.

Friday

We criticize extremists for burning books, but have you ever actually read a book? Most of them are really pretty horrible.

Saw a photo in the newspaper of an anti-war demonstrator carrying a sign that said: 'You Can't Eat A Fixed-Wing Bomber.'

That's when the idea hit me: A fixed-wing bomber you can eat! It could carpet bomb terrorists and their supporters, and if it happened to get shot down, hey, a gift to the freedom-loving, terror-hating people of that country from US taxpayers.

Must remember to propose this idea at our morning staff meeting next week.

Monday

Secret 529121.5. It's always over before it's over.

Got positive responses at this morning's staff meeting regarding my idea for an edible fixed-wing bomber.

My military buddy in Iraq wrote me another e-mail. He claims if I don't ship him numerous bottles of 100 proof peppermint schnapps so he can make many Calimochos de Cia, he'll request I be sent TDY to the Green Zone to provide training for nascent Iraqi defense and security forces.

In my reply I played his threat off as a joke. Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm looking into how to get an entire case of fire water sent over asap.

Speaking of military matters, attended a Pentagon briefing today. During the break an officer and avid Covert Comic reader from DOD came up and told me: "Your recent intelligence is pretty funny."

I said, “Thanks. Your recent defense isn't bad either.”

Tuesday

When written in English, the word 'crisis' is composed of two word stems - one represents 'cry,' the other represents 'to your sister.'

My wife and I had our first fight last night. We pinned a couple from across the street two minutes into the third round.

Wednesday

A man shot at me in Reno, apparently just to watch me play dead.

Although it could be my imagination, sometimes it seems as if international terrorism is actually making my penis smaller.

On the other hand, if my penis gets small enough, maybe I'll be able to have multiple orgasms.

Thursday

If she went to the same high school as you, how can she be an exotic dancer?

Perhaps the most alarming revelation in the wake of Monday's brutal repression of mass demonstrations against the president of Malawi, is that it turns out I'm the president of Malawi, and no one at Headquarters ever bothered telling me this.

I mean, I could have been seriously injured, people.

Friday

Secret 8231.934. Given a big enough bottle, you can always get the genie back in.

Monday

As a US Government official, I have just one question: Don't ask, don't tell what?

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as 'first day back from vacation.'

I can neither confirm nor deny having spent the last several days on vacation with the wife and kids (a reward from my division chief for all the work I officially didn't put in on that covert op two weeks ago).

A minor blip occurred on our first night at the hotel, when my wife and I discovered to our absolute horror that our 10-month-old boy had eaten a terrorist. Near as we can figure, our son discovered the poor hapless bastard crawling across the floor of our hotel kitchen. Although we managed to pry about a third of the extremist's lifeless body from his mouth, we were unable to retrieve the rest. No doubt the terrorist had it coming, but that's one fate I wouldn't wish on even the most vicious Al Qaeda member.

Good thing terrorists are basically made of protein, so there should be no significant health risk for our junior intel officer.

Tuesday

Secret 298141.6. It's a dog-lick-dog's-own-genitals world.

I bet it took years to design the Rubik's cube.

Wednesday

If we only had sex with people we respected, how many of us would jack off?

Whenever I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster.

Thursday

For every dwarf propelling sport you outlaw, two more shall rise up to take its place!

Secret 1594032238. Once a NOC, never a NOC.

Friday

When facing reality, always look due south.

¿Dónde está el Covert Comic?

Monday

On the other hand, getting found in the shuffle isn't necessarily all that hot either.

Heard a rumor at work this morning about a possible TDY by your humble intel officer to Iraq. This particular RUMINT has me going out to give counterproliferation briefings with semi-legendary WDM contractor, 'Gary S.' Good ol' Gary S. owns the distinction of having been gassed with Sarin in the 1960's twice, and living to consult about it. Gary's advice on surviving exposure to Sarin (or any ultra-deadly nerve agent): 'Just stay calm, stick that atropine injector in your leg like they showed you in training, breathe slowly and try not to move around too much – you'll be OK.'

By the way, except for the part about the atropine, the above instructions pretty much sum up a typical day in the life of most CI officers.

Tuesday

Secret 10025110. Nitpicking is better than no picking at all.

Many Chinese today choose to have a Western first name in addition to their Mandarin one. This got me to thinking: if I was Chinese, what would my Western first name be?

I'm thinking maybe: Jeff.

Wednesday

Spy like no one's watching. Undergo interrogation like it's never going to hurt.

Secret 21813221. A sinkhole is a pothole that read a self-help book.

Thursday

It's true you can't go home again ... although evidently your relatives can show up at your house any time they want to.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Between hanging out with the kids and waiting to eat bird today, cruised around the Agency's public web site on the home computer. Noted that, according to the site, the well-known HQS sculpture Kryptos (you know, the one I saved a few weeks ago from terrorists) "incorporates native American materials such as wood and metal."

You can't make this stuff up, people. ... At least not without a Government security clearance.

In the evening we had Thanksgiving dinner with various in-laws. Thought about terror. Frequently.

Friday

Secret 4081312. Every bullet is magic.

Sunday

As angry as Gaia no doubt is at us humans for laying waste to our planet's biodiversity, I bet deep down she feels proud too.

Laid around the house with the wife and kids, feasting on Thanksgiving leftovers and watching television. At one point I saw a person on TV claim that Americans aren't a gullible people, and I just smiled.

Americans not gullible - talk about wonderful news!

Must get to bed early. It's critical to America's national security that your humble spook rise, eons before dawn tomorrow, and play Have You Forgotten How to Love Yourself by the Red House Painters on my computer, so as to already have fought and won, ages beforehand ... … My War on Terror!®

Monday

Secret 3691. There's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe out.

... Officially not speaking of which, delivered my quarterly status update on Operation UMMA [acronym classified] at HQS today. (Note: Cleared Muslims only. شكرا)

Operation UMMA:

Status Update

Phase 1. Conversion of entire US populace to Islam. Status: On schedule.

Phase 2. Replacement of selected overseas and domestic Islamic militants and/or their supporters in Divine Retribution for heresy and/or blasphemy against Islam. Status: On schedule.

Phase 3. Establishment of the Islamic Republic of the United States as official custodian of Mecca. Status: Well ahead of schedule.

Phase 4. Temporary confiscation and administration of sale of highly decomposed Middle Eastern biomass, in the name of Allah, the Compassionate and Merciful. Status: Infinitely ahead of schedule.

Also provided an updated status on terror.

Monday

Secret 602.2.2. If there wasn't a method to it, it wouldn't be madness.

Tuesday

I would certainly hope I'm on my last legs!

Golf owns the distinction of being the sport which is most similar when it's being played to when it isn't.

Thursday

In the interest of safety, shouldn't everything come with a self-destruct button?

Albert Einstein: The grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.

The Covert Comic, and numerous jazz musicians: Everything is everything.

Friday

Is it OK if I bite the hand that doesn't feed me?

Apparently some local imam (he leads weekly prayers in a house of worship behind the new Wal-Mart near my townhome development) heard about my Operation UMMA briefing, got the religion completely wrong, and is now calling for a jihad against my web site on his web site.

Christ, what a hassle. Now I'll have to go find an imam to threaten to issue a fatwa against that first imam's web site on his web site. The good news: I know a holy man over in Falls Church who's usually good for a fatwa when you need one. Alhamdulillah. And I mean that sincerely.

Sunday

Carpam diem cras. (I'll seize the day tomorrow.)

On this date in 1941, the United States was attacked by Pearl Harbor.

Have you noticed how, approximately every fifty-nine years, nine months and four days, pretty much like clockwork, America is attacked by a hostile foreign power?

Which raises the question: Who will attack America on or around June 15th, 2061?

More to the point, what are we doing to prevent such an attack now, while we still can?

As a fully cleared intelligence officer, I know what I'm doing to prevent terror now. That's right, America, I'm going to bed. Need to get plenty of rest so I can rise before dawn, drive surreptitiously in to CIA Headquarters, surf the Net to recruit appropriate techno trance music, and thereby resume waging potent new clandestine operations in ... My War on Terror!®

Monday

I am no longer flirting with disaster – we are now formally engaged.

It's officially not on!

Your humble intel officer is officially and for the record not flying TDY to Baghdad next month. I won't be there for several days providing tutorials and 'other information' on a couple of web-based WMD detection/analysis applications, the development of which I didn't manage a few years back. And yes, the venerable Gary S., nerve agent survivor and consultant, officially won't be going with me.

Your humble spook will be the first to admit that I'd been agonizing somewhat about whether or not I really wanted to undertake such a mission, but now that the decision has officially not been made for me, to be honest, I can't wait not to go!

When I don't go TDY to Iraq, I'm making sure to not bring along plenty of burgundy, 100-proof peppermint schnapps, and Diet Coke for mixing my famed Calimochos de Cia. You know, on the off chance that one or more of these crucial ingredients might prove temporarily difficult to obtain over in the 51st state (though reliable sources with excellent access assure that one can get absolutely anything there, even with the Arab Socialist Ba'ath Party currently not in power.)

Tuesday

With a name like 'Sunny Triangle,' how unpleasant a place could it be?

If Mother Teresa had been a baseball player, I bet she would have been Yogi Berra. Not because Mother Teresa and Yogi Berra happen to look exactly alike, but because of the Yog's miraculous powers to heal the sick.

Wednesday

I bet just having a 'Spidey danger sense' would be enough to make it go off constantly.

This morning I showed up five minutes early for a time management seminar. The instructor gave me a certificate, shook my hand, and said, “There's nothing I can teach you now that you don't already know.”

Thursday

How can a stick have a short end?

If God had intended for man to fly, He would have given him plumage and a beak.

Which strongly suggests, however, that God did intend for some women to fly.

Friday

Secret 549.162. As long as you're standing up for your rights, why not do jumping jacks?

Sometimes I really hate terror ...

Monday

Secret 149,103.1. 'America' pronounced backwards still sounds pretty close to 'America.'

When I was 22 I had a life changing experience. I suddenly found myself inside my body, nowhere near the presence of an all-knowing, all-loving Light, and with no idea what people around me were thinking or feeling. I would later learn that this phenomenon is referred to as an 'out of college experience', and that no other person in the history of the universe had ever gone through this before me.

Tuesday

If you piss high enough, you'll make a rainbow.

Officially didn't drive over to State Department this morning to not pick up my dip passport for my non-TDY to Iraq. Afterwards I didn't go sit through a mandatory briefing/debriefing on counterterrorism at FBI. As a result, I can officially neither deny nor not confirm the veracity of that famous Langley truism (which I myself couldn't possibly have thought up while I officially wasn't sitting in that briefing room at the Bureau):

All FBI agents are special.

Thursday

Premature ejaculation?! I'll have you know I've been working toward this for years!

Helen Keller said that whenever one door closes, another opens.

… Please God, don't let me start wondering how she discovered this.

Friday

I have everything I need to destroy my enemies in a manila envelope. Now if I can just figure out a way to get them in there.

Which speaks more deeply of America: the fact that the CIA's National Intelligence Daily once reported the score of a baseball game … or the fact that the score in question really did have implications for America's national security?

And yes, you will be tested on this question long before you ever signed up for the course.

Sunday

I bet whoever first said 'The future is now!' feels like a total idiot today.

Speaking of which (I'm referring to the future, not to feeling like an idiot), tomorrow I'm getting read in for my Baghdad TDY. Think I'll go to bed early tonight, so that before the sun comes up I can materialize in my cubicle deep inside CIA Headquarters, and prepare for the preparing by listening to River Man by Nick Drake on my computer. I mean, talk about getting read in – the lyrics to that song are actually classified. I've sang too much already.

Monday

Not all who wander are lost ... unless of course they hesitate while wandering.

Went to get read in today on activities pertaining to a couple of the teams I'll be working with in Iraq. Reasonably sensitive stuff, though nothing you can't figure out by watching TV news with the sound turned off while listening to some good Middle Eastern-themed techno trance.

Too bad I don't have time (and likely wouldn't get approved anyway) to take the advanced personal security training (defensive driving, hand-to-hand combat, etc.) that regular ops officers receive in preparation for being sent overseas to Danger Pay posts. I mean, with the right knowledge and skills, just think of all the terror I could defeat when trying to find a parking spot at Tyson's Corner shopping mall during Christmas season, to cite merely one national security-related example.

Tuesday

All theories are conspiracy theories.

Right up there at the top of the list of things that are better than sex, has got to be compiling and collating the list.

Wednesday

Better self-absorbed than self-spilling.

Don't think of it as losing your virginity, think of it as gaining a free ride home on the back of a motorcycle.

Thursday

As a CIA officer, if I look back and see a second set of footprints in the sand beside my own, I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe it's our tech guys playing another one of their 'jokes.'

Got a pleasant surprise this Christmas morning. While the wife and kids were busy opening presents under the Yule tree, some terrorists dropped by our house to offer us season's greetings. They told me that, although technically at war with the United States and international Zionism (and therefore reserving the right to attack and kill us later in the week), they wanted to wish me and my family well this holiday season. Feeling moved, I thanked the terrorists for their magnanimous gesture, and enthusiastically wished them the same.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the holiday spirit could last all year long?

Friday

Secret 80539118. If you laughed slowly enough, you'd think you were being serious.

Monday

Can I get credit for being an iconoclast if a statue falls on me and breaks?

Before I came to work at CIA, I used to joke that a real central intelligence agency would have a gigantic brain located deep inside its headquarters building. Now that I work here, I realize such jokes are foolish. And painful.

Tuesday

The fact that curiosity killed the cat isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.

Read a self-help book on relationships at my desk during lunch today. Meditated on the idea that with the word love comes other four-letter words ... words like loss, like heal, like grow, and like like.

Also meditated on terror.

Wednesday

Secret 2: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not paranoid.

Whenever I hear people say, 'He died doing what he loved,' I always think, 'He loved dying?'

Friday

The last person in the world you should be sleeping with is still a person you should be sleeping with.

I bet invention wishes it was adopted.

Sunday

Patriotism may be the last refuge of a scoundrel, but at least it's good to know I'm helping my country.

… Speaking of which, I officially don't fly out TDY to Baghdad next Thursday morning! Clearly, I'd better turn in early tonight. Need to begin getting as much rest as possible in advance of the many harrowing battles I'm no doubt soon to fight in ... My War on Terror!®

Monday

Secret 4,691,112. All bedfellows are strange.

Talk about harrowing battles in my war on terror. This morning your humble spook had to go to the Office of Medical Services to receive shots and a butt probe.

Question: Is the probing of my anus really essential to our National Security?

… Who am I kidding? Everyone knows that a butt probe, and our National Security, are one and the same thing.

Tuesday

Secret 0.791727. Covert action isn't as covert action doesn't.

I've seen a thousand TV shows that teach you fishing, but I've never seen a show where someone just gave a guy a fish.

Wednesday

Her lips said no, but her eye said yes.

Oh what the heck, the enemy of my enemy is my enemy too.

Thursday

There are no passengers on spaceship Earth – we're all sky marshals.

Now I know how Mata Hari must have felt (assuming Mata Hari's luggage ever got lost in an airport when she was TDY).

Good thing I don't keep secret intel in my personal baggage (not counting those nude pictures of Mata Hari).

While waiting in line this morning at an airport that shall remain unnamed, was asked surprisingly intimate questions during a random security interview by some seriously attractive (if somewhat overly bleached) terror.

Saturday

If these walls could stop talking, I'd really appreciate it.

Even if I knew the location of this room I just checked into, I wouldn't be permitted to disclose it.

At this moment every cell in my body is totally exhausted. I'm so tired I'm not even going to play Snoopy's Theme by Vince Guaraldi on my computer at full blast, which I had intended to do as a way of celebrating my arrival in the Green Zone. For now, that milestone will have to wait. I am turning in immediately, this very second, because, trust me people, your humble intelligence officer is smack dab in the middle of ... My War on Terror!®

Monday

Crisis in the Middle East: Day 2,483,937.

Iraq TDY – Day One. Wouldn't you know it: I show up in Baghdad and they start killing liquor store owners.

Is there a message here? If so, I assume the message is: I should have brought a lot more liquor.

This morning I was briefed briefly by a briefer wearing (presumably) briefs. Subject of said briefing: briefees whom I'll briefly be briefing.

Following the briefing, caught a shuttle back to my quarters. While on the way, witnessed a massive sand storm that reduced visibility to near zero and made any movement virtually impossible. Momentarily felt as if I was back at State Department attending a conference on Third World socio-economic development or a similar topic.

After dinner had a drink or six with Gary S. Man, can that guy put 'em down. No wonder he survived multiple exposures to deadly WMDs – he's clearly built up an immunity.

Tuesday

Famous Secrets of Geography: The world's largest Muslim mosque is located only three hundred feet from the Grand KFC of Mecca.

I think it's important for the American people to understand that this war in Iraq isn't about oil. It's about the money you get from selling oil. I'm confident that once they know the truth, the American people will fully and actively support our participation in the Coalition of the Willing. Or at least they'll be willing to … which if you think about it, basically amounts to the same thing.

Probably the biggest discovery about Iraq for moi: most Iraqis are taking this whole Operation Iraqi Freedom thing pretty much in stride. For example, they joke about the fact that, post-Saddam, a lot of basic infrastructure (e.g. water, electricity, etc.), when available, are free … not because Saddam Hussein is gone, but because half a year into Coalition rule nobody has figured out a way to consistently and reliably bill people for utilities. Clearly, a lot of Iraqis have been winning their war on terror for quite some time.

Participated in several briefings of non-Iraqi Coalition personnel on how to be more like non-Coalition Iraqi personnel.

Wednesday

Secret 5181048. Good intelligence isn't distilled, it's detoxed.

More briefings. Tried a Saddam Burger at lunch today. Actually, it was 'Kabab Iroog,' but it kind of looked like a hamburger. It was pretty tasty too. I almost relented to having a beer with it, but in the end decided to maintain my standards (your humble intel officer prefers wine and liquor if at all possible - not because I'm a snob, you understand, but because beer tends to make your humble spook fat, plus I get little or no buzz from it, thereby rendering its intelligence value rather questionable).

After work, watched American TV sitcoms in a US Green Zone lounge while groups of military and intel officers around me roared with laughter. Also thought about terror. A lot.

Thursday

War is glorious until you see the man next to you killed. Then war is only glorious if he was an asshole.

You want to know about real terrorism? I'll tell you about real terrorism. Real terrorism is when you go to your room at the US compound in Baghdad at lunchtime, put the booze you just bought in the ice box, then later that evening after work, with the lights and the air conditioning and the TV in your room all functioning perfectly, you go to get your booze from the ice box … and it's warm because the ice box – and only the ice box – has stopped working.

Damn you Al Qaeda!

Friday

Maybe our mistake in the Middle East was failing to realize that when you 'draw a line in the sand,' within 24 hours a sand storm comes and blows it away.

A lot of folks would have said I was crazy for befriending the Iraqi street kid who stood in front of me waving a live hand grenade as I walked alone down that seedy Baghdad side street.

… I know I would have said this, which is why I threw a wad of twenty-dollar bills at him and got my ass out of there at a rate approaching light speed. Never again, people.

Gave even more briefings this morning and afternoon. In the evening, talked to my beautiful wife on the phone back home in Northern Virginiastan. Just for kicks, I told her I was getting lots of hot dates here in Baghdad. My idea was to make a pun about Iraq's leading cash crop. The problem: my beautiful wife is from Russia.

Language difficulties … and now, marital difficulties.

Not to worry, I'll smooth everything over when/if I get back home.

The good news: my ice box is once again functioning and … tomorrow is Saturday! The even better news: I've been working the only energy pipeline that really matters, and as a result may shortly succeed in scoring multiple units of 100 proof peppermint schnapps on behalf of various American military personnel here. Talk about a potentially decisive strategic move in … My War on Terror!®

Saturday

Question: If it's really so all-loving, why doesn't the Light get off its lazy ass and come down the tunnel to see us?

Answer: Late this evening I received a strange transmission from the CIA time satellite. While additional details are pending, the gist of the communication is that, about a year from today, while searching through intelligence archives in Langley, Virginia, I'll come across a thin black folder containing a few faded typewritten pages; the documents will appear to be notes of a cosmological nature, written by an unknown CIA officer around 1964. As I read further, I'll learn that this CIA official was undertaking classified research into fundamental properties of space-time and their potential harnessing for intelligence purposes.

Ironically, the author of the notes in the small black folder in question will be listed as one 'John A. King.' Given that covert CIA employees are routinely assigned generic-sounding cover names like this, I'll assume it's just a coincidence (your humble intelligence officer, John Alejandro King, could not have composed these documents in 1964 since that was the year, more or less, of my birth.)

In any case, among the interesting results I'll find inside that black folder:

Per the equation of time dilation in the theory of relativity, if a conscious entity (whether consisting of a single being or an entire civilization) extends itself in space-time (or to use an alternative characterization, 'blows itself up') at a sufficient rate of acceleration, then from the perspective of an observer occupying a different frame of reference, the conscious entity will seem never to get anywhere – indeed, from the standpoint of that observer the entity will seem to disappear completely. But from the perspective of the consciousness itself, it will increasingly be present in, and ever more acutely aware of, all matter everywhere.

Furthermore, assuming the rate of acceleration is sufficiently sustained, this process of extending itself in space and time will result in the conscious entity's witnessing all history simultaneously. According to the research notes, for anyone able to perceive it this awareness of all space and time will appear as a brilliant light shining onto, and within, everything in the universe.

To be present in and aware of everything, yet to be physically undetectable: talk about the holy grail of intelligence. Not to mention total victory in the war on terror!

The whole thing makes a spook wonder if perhaps there's a reason this research project was quietly archived away and never pursued.

… If, that is, the project was in fact never pursued.

Of course, I fully acknowledge that tonight's transmission could have been the Calimochos de Cia talking. Then again, according to the theory of relativity, as well as several famous if somewhat compartmented communiqués from a certain legendary Case Officer codenamed 'JC', we are the Calimochos de Cia of the Light.

Sunday

You are the Green Zone of my life.

Briefings completed, packing my bags in preparation for my trip home tomorrow, reflected on the following question:

Have I succeeded during this TDY of mine in fully exploring the many implications – and hopefully moving closer toward resolution – of the internal conceptual tensions inherent in the central theme of this narrative, namely, that of terror and the war against it – a war that I, an intelligence officer (and by extension all intelligence officers everywhere) must necessarily wage as a basic condition of existence?

As for your humble spook's take on this question, I believe the following insight probably best summarizes my own view:

I found fire water!!!

That's right folks, I'm talking real, 100 proof, red-hot-sweet, good ol' made-in-America schnapps – the encrypted key of encrypted keys in the formula for the manufacture of Calimochos de Cia.

… As for how I managed to locate and acquire this crucial precursor in the production of that most powerful of WMDs (Weapons of Mass Deliverance): such information must remain Top Secret, now and likely forever.

The best part of this entire operation: your humble intelligence officer was able to provide nearly an entire crate of the precious materiel to several combat units here, who immediately began deploying Calimochos de Cia and are even now routing terror as we speak.

I know not how others will choose to interpret them, but for me these events constitute ample realization and the authentic culmination of any and all philosophical implications in this particular literary vehicle. In other words: mission most definitely accomplished in … My War on Terror!®

By the way, this evening my beautiful wife called me from stateside. Seems she looked in the dictionary and figured out the 'date' joke. Everything's fine (not that it ever wasn't – but thanks for caring, America).

Allah of which reminds me:

Once this whole international terrorism thing calms down in a few decades, I for one would like to see a bunch of us CIA officers get together with some former Al Qaeda members, you know, to have a few drinks, tell war stories (unclassified, of course), and just share some laughs about the craziness of life and terror generally.

Tuesday

Have any persons unknown to you handled your national security at any time?

Back home, none the worse for terror.

… For the most part, that is. While precise details are classified, let's just say that what started out as a straightforward departing flight from Baghdad for points northwest two days ago (I think it was two days ago), culminated in a bus ride through Israel yesterday with several dozen just-released Palestinian militants (see photo above). Incredibly, this was the only available means of transportation to catch a connecting flight at Ben Gurion International Airport, after my original flight was thrice diverted due to security concerns.

I do have to admit that the guys on the bus were a reasonably fun bunch. They sang some pretty cool songs too, especially one with 'Salam' in the chorus (though it's possible they were saying 'Shalom' – I couldn't tell for sure, since I don't actually speak Arabic or Hebrew). The Israeli soldiers gave each of us bottled water and a small bag of pretzels (better than what I got on the El Al flight afterwards, I might add).

My boss told me to take at least two days off before coming back to work. You know, so the jet lag won't mess with my sleep cycle and cause me to do something weird like (to cite merely one possible example) get up at 0300 hrs and drive in to the office.

… Allah forbid.

Wednesday

The kingdom of terror is within you.

Covertly materialized at 0401 hrs this morning in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and deserted CIA outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and surfing the classified Net.

… At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than usual in the Homeland.

Calmly removed the techno-trance file and queued up Life Is Life by Laibach (or by Opus, depending on your worldview). Unplugged the headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast, and let 'er rip.

Around the third verse, turned the volume down a little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the terrorist attack had been replaced by a controversial report on same-marriage sex.

Waited until the song was over, just to make sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to techno-trance.

Dutifully logged successful execution of another covert operation in … My War on Terror!®

The Covert Comic.

Be not afraid. Be very not afraid.