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My War on Terror!™ The Covert Comic a.k.a. John
Alejandro King
The following chronology
details the life of one CIA officer and his personal war on terror. Monday The kingdom of terror is
within you. Covertly materialized at 0402 hrs this morning in
my cubicle, deep inside a dark and deserted CIA outbuilding, listening
to techno-trance music on my headphones and surfing the classified Net. … At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking
news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than
usual in the Homeland. Calmly removed the
techno-trance file and queued up Life
Is Life by Opus (or by Laibach,
depending on your worldview). Unplugged the headphone attachment
from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast, and let 'er
rip. Around the third verse, turned the volume down a
little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the
terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-sex marriage. Waited until the song was over, just to make
sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to
techno-trance. Dutifully logged
successful execution of another covert operation in …
My War on Terror!™ Tuesday Danger is my hobby. Checked out the latest Terror Alert on the
Department of Homeland Security's web site, and reviewed their list of
frequently asked questions. Was particularly amused by the following: Why duct tape and plastic
sheeting? Also thought about terror. Wednesday The mightiest of weapons
is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a
weapon into a government building. Secret 6891.222. The difference between a
Top Secret document, and a document marked For Official Use Only, is
that the latter can be used as a doorstop in any US Government facility,
while the former is only permitted to serve said function inside a
secure US Government vault. Thursday The term "holy war" isn't
an oxymoron, it's a redundancy. Following work this evening, sat around the house
chatting with the wife and playing with the kids. Read an article
in the newspaper about feminists calling for a "sex strike" by women to
protest the war in Iraq. Was surprised to learn that women weren't
on sex strike already. Also thought about terror. Friday Sometimes a secret falls into the wrong hands.
But most of the time they leap. Secret 911.1906. Non-violence is better
than no violence at all. * Monday The International Spy
Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is
located across the river in Langley, Virginia. Disabled an IED (improvised explosive device) at
CIA Headquarters this morning. The bomb, cleverly disguised as a
small robotic lawnmower, was moving toward the Kryptos sculpture in the
Inner Courtyard when I noticed it on my way to CIA Cafeteria to get
coffee and a pastry prior to attending an intelligence briefing.
Disregarding my personal safety (i.e., my need for large doses of
caffeine and sugar prior to 0900 HRS), I instinctively bolted out a side
door, sprinted across the grass, and stomped the device into several
dozen pieces before it could detonate. Though I quickly left the scene so as not to be
late for my meeting (and thus managed to purchase coffee and pastry,
Alhamdulillah!), I heard afterwards that someone called CIA Security,
who immediately launched an investigation into the incident. No
doubt we'll learn that this attack was an Al Qaeda operation. I don't consider myself a hero for having
performed this action. On the contrary, I'd like to think that any
Agency employee, seeing our beloved Kryptos sculpture in peril, would
have responded in a similar manner. Not that I for a
single moment believe myself deserving, but in the event your humble
spook is awarded the Distinguished Intelligence Cross for my actions
today, I intend to respectfully decline the honor. For me it's
reward enough knowing that I'm helping win small battles like this -
battles in our war ... your war …
My
War on Terror!™ Tuesday They say that unless
you're the lead dog, the view never changes. Then again, if you're
a dog you probably like that view. Secret 1.491031.
When people really
fear the government, they get jobs there. Wednesday Is the question "Is the
glass half empty or half full?" semi-intelligent or semi-idiotic?
Thursday Sometimes in my mind I
can still see Grandma's old Bible, with its worn out cover, tattered
spine and frayed edges. But then I think: wait, that's not
Grandma's Bible, that's Grandma. The famous marketing principle, "If you can't
state your position in eight words or less, you don't have a position,"
can't be stated in eight words or less. Friday Secret 3291314. All
the world's not a stage, it's a huge Cone of Silence. At one point I seriously investigated the concept
of "bio body armor." The basic idea: if an American soldier,
intelligence officer or US Corporation serving overseas were attacked,
highly contagious organisms would be released from the body armor,
completely debilitating the attackers. Eventually I gave up on the project when I
realized that this form of armor already exists, and is America itself. Sunday It's not a blunt object,
it's a differently edged entity. Strolling through
what I thought was a shopping mall late this morning, was telling a
friend a joke about mega-churches … when suddenly I realized: I was
in a mega-church. To avoid seeming irreligious, quickly changed the
subject of conversation to terror. It's Sunday
afternoon - the weekend's almost here!
Think I'll have a drink or nine / eleven, and chat with the wife while
the kids run around in the yard ... and/or chat with the kids while the
wife runs around in the yard, following which activities your humble
spook intends to turn in early this evening. Need to be well
rested when I log in at work shortly after 0400 tomorrow morning, play
Oh Happy Day
by the Edwin Hawkins Singers at full volume on my computer, and thereby
unleash another inspired offensive in …
My War on Terror!™ * Monday
Secret 121789. If
you don't attend counterterrorism briefings for the donuts first and the
intel second, the real terrorist is you. Subdued a terrorist this morning who had seized a
conference room at CIA Headquarters and was holding several CIA
employees hostage. The terrorist, who was attempting to forcibly
convert our society to his militant, extremist form of Islam, instantly
collapsed in a heap when I smashed a window and tasered him. I later confirmed, with the concurrence of
multiple cleared Muslim CIA officers, that this individual's bizarre
sect, known as "Maximize Productivity Through Brainstorming!" in no way
represents the true Islamic faith, and is utterly rejected by modern,
open minded, democratically inclined Muslims everywhere. As for how this individual managed to slip
through security, I can confirm that he was wearing a consultant badge
and was professionally dressed – doubtless an agent from an Al Qaeda
sleeper cell who'd planned this assault years, if not epochs, in
advance. Definitely a close
call. But thanks to constant vigilance and decisive action, chalk
up another victory in … My War on
Terror!™ Tuesday Is there a patron saint
of intelligence officers? If not, I'm thinking St. Gabriel, the
saint of diplomats, communications, and remote sensing, would be the
logical choice. Note on
terminology: The phrase 'war on terror' refers to the fight against
terror itself, not
to making war on something else while seated upon, conveyed by means of,
or otherwise supported by terror. Wednesday You make me want to be a better-armed person. My wife has a sex drive. The problem is,
she also has a sex neutral, a sex park and a sex reverse. Thursday Secret 969.166.
Better a consultant who tap-dances, than a consultant who does the
moonwalk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again. Friday Secret 807.1.
Anything war can do, peace can do better. Especially kill people. * Monday What's classified Top
Secret in executive offices on the seventh floor of CIA Headquarters is
common knowledge in clay huts on the sixth floor of CIA Headquarters. Captured two terrorists this afternoon who were
cleverly disguised in white short-sleeved business shirts with black
ties, riding bicycles. An obvious attempt to infiltrate my home
and forcibly convert me and my family to their obscure sect of extremist
Islam. They're tied up in our attic at the moment.
Haven't decided what to do with these infidels just yet. Tuesday It was always my parents' expectation that I
would attend college one day. But I surprised them and stayed nearly a week. When asked to comment on the report, a CIA
spokesperson began trembling uncontrollably, then vanished, leaving
behind a fist-sized cube of pale grainy material that crumbled easily
when handled by journalists. A second CIA
spokesperson pleaded in terror not to be told about the report at all.
– Wednesday You complete me. You complete-me destroy my
life. NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building is the world's
largest structure – it's actually been known to rain inside it on
occasion. Today I was privileged to be taken on a tour of
this storied facility as part of a US Intelligence Community delegation,
and we experienced the phenomenon firsthand. The workers on the
scaffolding far above us seemed unfazed by the conditions – we could
actually hear them shouting and laughing about it "raining inside the
building again." Thursday Why won't people accept
me for who I am? It's a perfectly fair trade. Response to reader
e-mail: I never said that the Pentagon is like a piñata. I said
that the Pentagon is
a piñata. Saturday Have a need to know this. Went shopping with the wife and kids today.
Reflected on how fortunate we are to live in a country where the local
Burger King has a "God Bless America" banner hanging in front of the
drive-thru.
* Monday What the CIA tells
Congress it's doing, and what the CIA is really doing, are three
different things. The 9/11 Principle:
The insightfulness of any quote about God, love, truth, freedom,
justice, personal empowerment, America, quantum theory, black matter,
the end times, etc. will be multiplied exponentially if the key word in
that statement is replaced with the term "9/11." For further
information on this most classified of topics, please don't click
HERE.
You're welcome, 9/11. Tuesday Believe in coincidence? I’m not even sure
if I believe in incidence yet. Fundamental to the achievement of victory in the
War on Terror is choosing the right weapons. As a fully cleared
intelligence officer with a documented record of routing terrorism
throughout the universe, I recommend the following armaments, which have
proven their worth time and again to me and many other counter-terror
professionals. 1. Be calm, optimistic, friendly, and
cultivate a mildly cynical sense of humor. 2. Seek and attain truth, and believe in
the Light. 3. When necessary, employ covert operations
in order to induce extremists to 'neutralize' each other. 4.
Calimocho de Cia. For those not
familiar with the intelligence world, a
Calimocho de Cia
is a non-lethal chemical agent that has been shown to be extremely
effective against terror. To obtain a
Calimocho de Cia
(or "CC" for short), simply mix a single serving of Diet Coke - or any
other well-caffeinated cola soft drink - with a very generous quantity
of burgundy or other potent red wine; then add a small-to-medium-sized
shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps, 94.3 proof gin, or comparable
booze. Be sure to deploy as cold as possible. Repeat as not needed. Wednesday My very first job was at
McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When
something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed. Gave a counterproliferation briefing to a group
of visiting foreign intelligence officers at HQS today. Got a big
laugh when I told them: "Victims of biotoxin attack experience acute
paralysis, lose control of bodily functions, and exhibit severe
twitching and convulsions. You know, sort of like on your wedding
night." Also nudged terror and winked knowingly. Friday Actually, this is a pistol in my pocket and I'm glad to see you. After the chess match, the king and the pawns go
back in the same box (but the king, of course, has a special
compartment). Sunday I wouldn't mind that most
men lead lives of quiet desperation, if they didn't do it so loudly. Drove the family to DC for a stroll along the
Washington Mall this afternoon. Remained constantly on the alert
for terror, but all I saw were several guys with machine guns. Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly
find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with
coins in them. ... I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don't
see me flaunting it in public like that. Going to bed early
tonight. Want to be rested and focused tomorrow morning when I
play Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet
on my computer at work (full volume, of course) hours before dawn.
There's nothing like hearing that screeching Icelandic voice echo
through the dark halls of a CIA building around 4:00 a.m. It's a
most exhilarating way to begin a fresh work week, and invariably
inspires great new operational concepts on behalf of
... My War on Terror!™ * Monday If it falls on me and pins me underneath it, does
that count as seizing the day? Rumor has it that there's a major reorganization
in the works here at Langley. I’m all for organizational shakeups at CIA, as
long as we're not organizationally stirred. Tuesday Mauve isn't a color in
the National Terrorism Advisory System – mauve is terror itself. Are more people suffering from Attention Deficit
Disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying
attention to? Wednesday As a conservative, while
I oppose any invasion of privacy, I fully support the privatization of
any such invasion. Received an e-mail
from a military buddy serving in Iraq. He reports that your humble
intel officer's counter-terror weapon of choice, the
Calimocho de Cia,
is enjoying growing popularity among US and
Coalition forces there. According to my source, the CC has significantly
improved US and Coalition morale and combat effectiveness, and is
starting to find favor among Iraqis fighting against terror as well. Speaking of
improved morale, this morning I submitted the following item to an
increasingly popular and influential Intelligence Community periodical
(cleared readers only, please). Terrorism: A Shrapnel Ceiling? Analysis of worldwide
terrorist attacks reported over the last five years reveals that female
suicide bombers inflict less than 30% of the casualties attributed to
their male counterparts. Is this discrepancy the result of
systematic inequalities in training and access to infrastructural
support for female terrorists, or are the most lucrative terrorism
targets being reserved primarily for suicide bombers who are men?
Further research is needed, according to counterterrorism experts. Thursday The claim 'Youth is truth' is long in the tooth. Chased away a terrorist I found crouching just
above the sliding door on the deck of our townhome this evening.
Judging from its large distended abdomen, I strongly suspect it was a
female carrying an egg sack. At first I was going to kill it, but in the end I
just flicked it down from its perch with a stick and nudged it off our
deck with my shoe. Please don't get me
wrong - I was not
being soft on terror. On the contrary, I fully expect that by now
this particular terrorista has given birth, and is being eaten alive by
her offspring even as we speak. Friday If you're not part of the
solution, maybe you're the whole solution! You be my suicide bomber, I'll be your
bomb-sniffing dog. * Monday Give us this day our
Daily Brief. Has there been a new terrorist attack? This
evening at the shopping mall I noticed more people who looked like they
were dying from exposure to nerve agent than usual. Tuesday In Islam it's called a "fatwa." In the
Christian religion it's referred to as a "Memorandum for the Record." While attending an interagency briefing at State
Department this morning, saw a copy of the Washington Post with a
headline reporting the capture of a senior Al Qaida official. As a
CIA officer, felt a deep sense of pride and vindication. … I
told that
State Department analyst today was Tuesday! Wednesday Never attribute to Dallas
that which is adequately explained by Corpus Christi. Secret 6811330621. The term ‘weasel words’
may well constitute, or at least cannot be ruled out as constituting, a
redundancy. Friday When they say "no
preparation necessary," do they mean to prepare isn't necessary, or that
it's necessary to not prepare? James Michener said: "If you reject the food,
ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as
well stay home." The problem is, that's how I feel about my home. Saturday There's a fine line
between surrounding yourself with talented people and deploying human
shields. * Monday CIA is the big wet friendly dog of international
espionage. Read some truly scary intelligence today
regarding efforts by a Third World government to develop weapons of mass
destruction. … 'World.' Talk about a terrifying concept. Tuesday Intelligence
Community Dis of the Day. I said
he was a potential person of interest. I never said he was a
potential person. Does each of us not sell his body to strangers? … Because a lot of nights it seems like I'm the
only person standing out here. Wednesday Secret 96919201.
You're not really jerking off to pictures on the Internet, you're really
jerking off to the Internet itself. When you were a
child, did you ever experience that moment of panic when walking down
your street and suddenly realizing you couldn't find your house? And if
so, do you remember the feeling you had when you finally found your
house, and were back safe inside with your family? Remember how
terrifying that
feeling was? Thursday Sh*t doesn't happen, happening sh*ts. My wife is thinking about having another baby.
As for me, I've got a few questions. First of all, how many children do we have now? Friday Mom warned me about girls like you, Mom.
* Monday
Let's Blow the Whole Thing Up (sung to
the tune of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off") You say Al Qaida, I say
Al Qaeda You say burkha, I say
burqa You say mujahedin, I say
mujahideen Let's blow the whole
thing up
Tuesday To be cleared to know is sexy. To know is fat, bald and middle-aged. I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently
promoted to assistant life equipment manager. Wednesday All things being equal,
you'd never need to use this cliché. Millions long for immorality, who don't know what
to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ... What? It's 'immortality?' That too. Thursday The Australian flag is
noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it's becoming less accurate
with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy
of the American flag is clearly increasing over time. I read that children in US inner city schools
confront death and hopelessness on a daily basis. It's good to know that Existentialist philosophy
is finally being taught in America's inner city schools. Friday Contrary to what Asimov says, the most exciting
phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not
'Eureka!' or 'That's funny…,' it's 'Your research grant has been
approved.' Read the following editorial comment in a major
US news publication: "A CIA officer at Langley is paid a hundred
thousand dollars a year to exchange e-mails with a semi-employed
bureaucrat in Pakistan, and we call that intelligence???" As a CIA officer, I
know I
sure do! * Monday Secret 529121.5.
It's always over before it's over. My military buddy
in Iraq wrote me another e-mail. He says that if I don't ship him
numerous bottles of 100 proof peppermint schnapps so he can make many
Calimochos de Cia,
he'll request I be sent TDY to the Green Zone to provide training for
nascent Iraqi defense and security forces. In my reply I played his threat off as a joke.
Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm looking into how to get an
entire case of fire water sent over there asap. Speaking of military matters, attended a Pentagon
briefing today. During the break a DOD officer and avid Covert
Comic reader came up and told me: "Your recent intelligence is pretty
funny." I said, “Thanks. Your recent defense isn't
bad either.” Tuesday When written in English,
the word "crisis" is composed of two word stems:
one representing the word "cry," the other meaning "to your sister." My wife and I had our first fight last night.
We pinned a couple from across the street two minutes into the third
round. Wednesday The camouflage you admire
doesn't deserve it. Sometimes it feels like international terrorism
is actually making my penis smaller. On the other hand, if my penis gets small enough,
maybe I'll be able to have multiple orgasms! Thursday
If she went to the same
high school as you, how can she be an
exotic dancer? Perhaps the most
alarming revelation in the wake of Monday's brutal repression of mass
demonstrations against the president of Malawi, is that it turns out
I'm
the president of Malawi, and no one at CIA Headquarters bothered to tell
me. I mean, I could have been seriously injured,
people. Friday Mama said there'd be
supereons like this. Allen Ginsberg's thought: 'First thought, best
thought' could not have occurred prior to his third thought. * Monday Secret 298141.6. It's a
dog-lick-dog's-own-genitals world. Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known
as "first day back from vacation." I can neither
confirm nor deny having spent the last couple of days at a well known US
theme park (not
CIA Headquarters) with the wife and kids. A minor blip occurred on our first night at the
hotel, when my wife and I discovered to our absolute horror that our
10-month-old baby boy had eaten a terrorist. Near as we can figure, our son discovered the
poor hapless bastard crawling across the floor of our hotel kitchen.
Although we managed to pry about a third of the extremist's lifeless
body from his mouth, we were unable to retrieve the rest. No doubt
the terrorist had it coming, but that's one fate I wouldn't wish on even
the most vicious Al Qaeda member. Good thing terrorists are basically made of
protein, so there should be no significant health risk to our junior
spook. Tuesday I bet it took years to
design the Rubik's cube. What should we avoid the plague like? Wednesday "Grisly discovery" is a redundancy. I read that a parking garage collapsed in New
Jersey. Which raises the question: how many other parts
of New Jersey are there that still haven't collapsed yet? Thursday 'Psyops' is an
oxydundancy. They say when a person cuts himself, the cuts
spell out the word "Help." But to me, they look more like Roman
numerals. Friday On the other hand,
getting found in the shuffle isn't necessarily all that hot either.
¿Dónde está
el
Covert Comic?
* Monday Secret 59. Breasts
spring eternal in human hope. Heard a rumor at work this morning about a
possible TDY by your humble intel officer to Iraq. This particular
RUMINT has me going out to provide counterproliferation briefings with
officially-non-legendary WMD contractor "Gary S." Good ol' Gary S.
owns the distinction of having been gassed with Sarin in the 1960's
twice,
and living (both times) to consult about it. Gary's advice on surviving exposure to
ultra-lethal nerve agents: "Just stay calm, stick the atropine injector
in your leg like they showed you in training, breathe slowly, and try
not to move around too much." ... By the way, except for the part about
"staying calm," the above instructions pretty much sum up a typical day
in the life of a CI officer. Tuesday On the other hand, let's not ooze to conclusions
either. I believe in the
power of one. One person with a dream. One private
ten-thousand-man army. One billion-dollar budget to fund that
army. Wednesday Spy like no one's
watching, undergo interrogation like it's never going to hurt. SpookSpeak.
Action n.
A particularly unconvincing form of bluff. Thursday As an operations
officer on the front lines of the fight against international terrorism,
there have been times I wept after agent meetings. The intel was
that damn funny. Happy Thanksgiving! While dutifully
babysitting the kids and waiting to eat bird this afternoon, cruised
around the Agency's public web site on the home PC. Noted that,
according to the description on the site, the celebrated HQS sculpture
Kryptos
(you know, the one I heroically saved from terrorists only a few weeks
ago) "incorporates native American materials such as wood and metal." You can't make this stuff up, people. At
least not without an official security clearance. In the evening we had Thanksgiving dinner with
various in-and-out-laws. Thought about terror. Frequently. Friday
Secret 4081312.
Every
bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun. Sunday As the French would say, 'Les Français ne diraient jamais 'Comme diraient les Français.'' Lounged around the house with the wife and kids today, feasting on Thanksgiving leftovers and watching television. When I heard the TV commentator say that Americans aren't a gullible people, I just smiled. Americans not gullible: talk about wonderful news! Must get to bed
early. It's critical to America's national security that your
humble spook rise, eons before dawn tomorrow, and play
Have You Forgotten How to Love Yourself
by the Red House Painters on my computer at CIA Headquarters, so as to
already have fought and won, eons beforehand ... …
My War on Terror!™ * Monday Secret 3691.
There's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe
out. ... Officially not
speaking of which, delivered my quarterly status update on Operation
UMMA [acronym classified] at HQS today.
(Note: cleared Muslims only.
شكرا) Operation UMMA: Status Update Phase 1
Conversion of US populace to Islam.
Status: ahead of schedule. Phase 2
Removal of selected domestic and/or overseas Islamic militants and
their supporters for blasphemy against Islam.
Status: on schedule. Phase 3
Establishment of the Islamic Republic of the United States as official
custodian of Mecca. Status: well ahead
of schedule. Phase 4
Temporary confiscation and administration of sale of highly decomposed
biomass, in the name of Allah, the Compassionate and Merciful.
Status: infinitely ahead of schedule. ... Also provided a status update on terror.
* Monday Secret 602.2.2. If there wasn't a method to it,
it wouldn't be madness. As long as you're standing up for your rights,
why not do jumping jacks? Tuesday God does not play dice
with the universe ... ever since the universe caught God cheating last
week. Some graves spit back. Thursday
Is it OK if I bite the
hand that doesn't
feed me? Albert Einstein:
The grand aim of all science is to
cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from
the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms. Numerous jazz
musicians: Everything is everything. Friday
In the interest of safety,
shouldn't everything
come with a self-destruct button? Without intelligence nothing can be accomplished.
But with intelligence, accomplishing nothing is much easier. Sunday Carpam diem cras.
(I'll seize the day tomorrow.) On this date in 1941, the United States was
attacked by Pearl Harbor. Have you ever noticed how, approximately every
fifty-nine years, nine months and four days (give or take several
seconds), pretty much like clockwork, America is attacked by terrorists? Which in turn
raises the question: Who will attack
America fifty-nine years, nine months and four days (give or take
several seconds) from now? ... More to the point, what are we in the US
Government officially not doing to prevent such an act from
occurring? As a fully cleared
intelligence officer, I know what I'm
officially not doing. That's right,
America: I'm officially not going to bed. Need to get plenty of
rest so I can officially not rise infinitely before dawn tomorrow, drive
in surreptitiously to CIA Headquarters, log in and surf the Net in order
to recruit appropriate techno trance music, and thereby resume
preemptive covert operations in ... My
War on Terror!™ *
Monday Socialism, fascism,
tourism – all the monolithic ideologies are basically the same. It's officially not on! Your humble spook is for the record not flying
TDY to Baghdad in three weeks. I won't be there providing
tutorials on the use of a couple of classified applications (officially
not developed by my team) that don't enable identification and
neutralization of weapons of mass destruction and/or their sympathizers.
And yeah, the venerable Gary S., nerve agent survivor and
counterproliferation consultant extraordinaire, officially won't be
going out with me. I'll readily admit that I'd been agonizing about
whether or not I really wanted to undertake such a mission; but now that
the decision hasn't been made for me, to be honest, I can't wait not to
go! When I don't go TDY
to Iraq, I intend not to bring along plenty of burgundy, 100-proof
peppermint schnapps, and Diet Coke for mixing my famed
Calimochos de Cia. ... You know,
on the off chance that one or more of these crucial ingredients might
prove temporarily difficult to procure over in the 51st state (though
reliable sources with excellent access assure that one can get
absolutely anything in Iraq these days, even with the Arab Socialist
Ba'ath Party currently not in power.) Tuesday With a name like "Sunny
Triangle," how unpleasant a place could it be??? If Mother Teresa had been a baseball player, I
bet she would have been Yogi Berra. And not because Mother Teresa
and Yogi Berra happen to bear an astonishing resemblance ... but because
of the Yog's miraculous powers to heal the sick. Wednesday Golf owns the distinction
of being the sport that's most similar when it's being played to when it
isn't. It bothers me to see so many people in our
society today scared and stressed out. So this morning I hooked up
a microphone and loudspeaker to my car, and at lunch drove around
Capitol Hill and Pennsylvania Avenue repeating the following phrase in
an authoritative sounding voice: “Please remain calm.
Do not panic. The situation is under control.” It did seem to have
an effect on people. It certainly made
me feel
better. Thursday How can a stick have a
short end??? "I thought you said you wouldn't wish this on
your worst enemy." "You're not my
worst enemy." – [context classified] Friday I'm no longer flirting with disaster – disaster and I are now formally engaged. * Monday Think of managers, not as order givers, but as
facilitators. And that's a facilitation. Premature ejaculation?! I'll have you know
I've been working toward this for years! Tuesday If you piss high enough,
you'll make a rainbow. Officially didn't drive over to State Department
this morning to not pick up my dip passport for my non-TDY to Iraq.
While there, reflected that State Department officers have diplomatic
immunity, while CIA spooks have diplomatic autoimmunity. Thursday The more you do more with
less, the less you have to do more with less more. Helen Keller said that whenever one door closes,
another door opens. … Please God, don't let me start wondering how
she discovered this concept. Friday I have everything I need
to destroy my enemies in a manila envelope. Now if I can just
figure out a way to get them in there. To rise to the rank
of entertainment executive, I bet you have to be really,
really fun. Sunday I bet whoever said "The
future is now!" feels like a total idiot today. Speaking of which
(I'm referring to the future, not to feeling like an idiot), tomorrow
I'm getting read in for my Baghdad TDY. Think I'll go to bed early
tonight, so that before the sun comes up I can materialize in my cubicle
deep inside CIA Headquarters and prepare for the preparing by listening
to River Man
by Nick Drake on my computer. I mean, talk about getting read in – the lyrics
to that song are actually classified. I've sung too much already. * Monday Secret 94910110. When the stock market goes
down, it goes down on the bond market. Got read in today on a couple of the
organizations I'll officially not be working with in Iraq.
Reasonably sensitive stuff, though nothing you can't figure out by
watching TV news with the sound muted while listening to bass-heavy
Middle Eastern-themed techno trance music. Too bad I don't have time (and likely couldn't
obtain approval in any case) to take some of the advanced personal
security training courses (defensive driving, hand-to-hand combat, etc.)
that regular ops officers receive in preparation for being sent overseas
to Danger Pay posts. I mean, with the right knowledge and skills,
just think of all the terror your humble spook could defeat in the
future when seeking a parking spot at Tyson's Corner shopping mall
during Christmas season (to cite merely one extremely National
Security-relevant example). Tuesday Every
theory is a conspiracy theory. Right up there at the top of the list of things
that are better than sex has got to be compiling and collating the list
itself. Wednesday There is none so anosmic
as he who will not smell. Waxing philosophical may be tiresome, but it
leaves your philosophy smooth and hair-free for up to six full weeks. Thursday As a CIA officer, if I
look back and see a second set of footprints in the sand beside my own,
I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe it's our tech guys playing
another one of their jokes. Got a pleasant surprise this Christmas morning.
While the wife and kids were busy opening presents under the Yule tree,
some terrorists dropped by our house to offer us season's greetings.
They told me that, although technically at war with the United States
and international Zionism (and therefore reserving the right to attack
and kill us later in the week), they wanted to sincerely convey best
wishes to me and my family. Feeling distinctly moved, I thanked
the terrorists for their magnanimous gesture, and enthusiastically
wished them the same. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the holiday spirit
could last all year long? Friday Secret 80539118. If
you laughed slowly enough, you'd think you were being serious. * Monday If a statue falls on me
and breaks, do I get credit for being an iconoclast? Before I was hired
by CIA, I used to joke that a real
central intelligence agency would have a gigantic brain located deep
inside its headquarters building. Now that I work here, I realize such jokes are
foolish. And painful. Tuesday The saying “Curiosity killed the cat” isn't an
argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat. May your hopes
never be dashed, but rather, comma-delimited. Wednesday Secret 2. Just because
you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not paranoid. Briefing the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee
is like having a baby take your candy. Friday The last person in the world you should be
sleeping with is still a person you should be sleeping with.
Whenever I hear people say "He died doing what he loved," I always
think: he loved dying??? Sunday To state some depressing fact, and then follow
with '... but there's a downside,' is cheap, unoriginal hack comedy.
... But there's a downside. … Speaking of
which, your humble spook officially doesn't fly out TDY to Baghdad next
Thursday morning! Going to turn in early tonight. Need to
get as much rest as possible in advance of the many harrowing battles
I'm no doubt soon to fight in ... My
War on Terror!™ * Monday Secret 354. Do as
you please, please as you do. Talk about harrowing battles in my war on terror.
This morning your humble spook had to go to the Office of Medical
Services to receive shots and a butt probe. Question: Is the probing of my anus really
essential to our National Security? … Who am I kidding? Everyone knows that a
butt probe, and our National Security, are one and the same thing. Tuesday Secret 0.791727.
Covert action isn't as covert action doesn't. I support zero tolerance. But I draw the
line at negative integers. Wednesday Her lips said no, but her
eye said yes. Oh what the heck, the enemy of my enemy is my
enemy too. Thursday There are no passengers
on spaceship Earth – we're all sky marshals. Now I know how Mata Hari must have felt (assuming
Mata Hari's luggage ever got lost when she was TDY). Good thing I don't keep secret intel in my
personal baggage (not counting those nude pictures of Mata Hari). Saturday If these walls could stop
talking, I'd really appreciate it. Even if I knew the location of this room I just
checked into, I wouldn't be permitted to disclose it. At this moment
every cell in my body is totally exhausted. I'm so tired I'm not
even going to play Snoopy's Theme
by Vince Guaraldi on my computer at
full blast, which I had intended to do as a way of celebrating my
arrival in the Green Zone. For now, that milestone will have to
wait. I am turning in immediately, this very second, because,
trust me people, your humble intelligence officer is smack dab in the
middle of ... My War on Terror!™ * Monday Secret 0.761. If you can prepare for it, it
isn't the worst. Iraq TDY – Day One.
Wouldn't you know it: I show up in Baghdad and they start killing liquor
store owners. Is there a message
here? If so, I assume the message is:
I should have brought a lot more liquor. This morning, was briefly briefed by a briefer
wearing (presumably) briefs. Subject of said briefing: briefees
whom I'll briefly be briefing. Following the briefing, caught a shuttle back to
my quarters. While on the way, experienced a massive sand storm
that reduced visibility to near zero and made any movement virtually
impossible. Momentarily felt as if I was at State Department in DC attending a conference on sustainable Third World socio-economic
development. After dinner had a drink or six with Gary S.
Man, can that guy put 'em down. No wonder he survived multiple
exposures to deadly WMDs – he's clearly built up an immunity.
Tuesday Famous Secrets of
Geography 0.98199. The world's largest mosque is located only one
hundred meters from the Grand KFC of Mecca. I think it's
important that the American people understand: this war in Iraq isn't
about oil. It's about the money you get from
selling oil.
Probably my biggest discovery about Iraq: most
Iraqis are taking this whole Operation Iraqi Freedom thing pretty much
in stride. For example, they joke about the fact that, post-Saddam, a
lot of basic infrastructure (water, electricity, etc.), when available,
is free … not because Saddam Hussein's regime is gone, but because half
a year into Coalition rule nobody has figured out a way to consistently
and reliably bill people for utilities. Clearly, a lot of
Iraqis have been winning their
war on terror for quite some time now. Oh, and by the way, I've definitely decided that
my favorite smell is Kevlar. Unless Kevlar doesn't have a smell,
in which case my favorite smell is me wearing Kevlar. Wednesday Secret 5181048.
Good intelligence isn't distilled, it's detoxed. More briefings.
Tried a Saddam Burger at lunch today. Actually, it was a
Kabab Iroog,
but it kind of looked like a hamburger. Pretty tasty too. I
almost relented to having a beer with it, but in the end decided to
maintain my standards (your humble intel officer prefers wine and liquor
if at all possible - not because I'm a snob, you understand, but because
beer tends to make your humble spook fat, plus I get little or no buzz
from it, thereby rendering its intelligence value at best questionable). After work, watched lame American TV sitcoms in a
US Green Zone lounge while hoards of US and Iraqi military and/or intel
officers around me roared with laughter. Also thought about terror. A
lot. Thursday War is glorious, until
you see the man next to you get killed. Then war is only glorious
if he was an asshole. You want to know
about real
terrorism? I'll tell you about real terrorism. Real
terrorism is when you fly half way around the world to a major war zone,
check in to your room inside a massively guarded compound, carefully
place your smuggled booze in the ice box, then later that evening after
work, with the lights and the air conditioning and the Internet in your
room all functioning perfectly, go to get your booze from the ice box …
and it's warm. Because the ice box – and
only the ice
box – has stopped working. Damn you, Al Qaeda! Friday We only hate what we don't understand. What
we understand, we hate, loathe and despise. A lot of folks would have
said I was crazy to befriend the Iraqi street kid who stood in front of
me waving a live hand grenade as I walked alone down a seedy Baghdad
side street. … I know
I would have said this, which is why I
threw a wad of bills at him and got my ass out of there at a rate
approaching light speed. More briefings this morning and afternoon.
In the evening, talked on the phone with my beautiful wife back home in
Northern Virginiastan, in advance of my flying home this weekend.
Just for kicks, told her I was getting lots of hot dates here in
Baghdad. My intent was to make a pun about Iraq's leading cash
crop. The problem: my beautiful wife is from Eastern Europe. Language difficulties … and now, marital
difficulties. Not to worry. I'll smooth everything over
when/if I get back home. The good news: my ice box is once again functioning,
and tomorrow is Saturday (no briefings)!
The even better news: I've been working the only energy pipeline that
really matters, and as a result may shortly succeed in scoring multiple
units of 100 proof peppermint schnapps on behalf of various American
military personnel here. Talk about a
potentially decisive stratagem in …
My
War on Terror!™ Saturday … But I monogress. Late this evening I received a strange
transmission from the CIA time satellite. While additional details
are pending, the gist of the communication is that, about a year from
today, in the course of searching through intelligence archives in
Langley, Virginia, your humble spook will come across a thin black
folder containing several faded typewritten pages; the documents will
appear to be notes of a cosmological nature, written by an unknown CIA
officer around 1964. Reading further, I'll learn that this CIA
official was undertaking classified research into fundamental properties
of space-time, and their potential harnessing for intelligence purposes. Ironically, the author of the notes in the small
black folder in question will be listed as one "John A. King."
Given that covert CIA employees are routinely assigned generic cover
names like this, I'll assume it's just a coincidence (your humble
intelligence officer, John Alejandro King, could not possibly have
composed these documents in 1964, since that was the year, more or less,
of my birth.) In any case, among the interesting entries I'll
find within said black folder: According to the principle of time dilation in
the theory of relativity, if a conscious entity (whether a single being
or an entire species) extends itself in space-time at a sufficient rate
of acceleration (or, to use an alternative characterization, "blows
itself up"), then from the perspective of an observer, that entity will
never seem to get anywhere. ... In fact, from the standpoint of the observer,
the entity in question will seem to disappear completely. But from
the perspective of that conscious entity itself, it will increasingly be
present in, and aware of, all things everywhere. To be present in
and aware of everything, yet to be physically undetectable: talk about
the holy grail of intelligence. Not to mention,
total victory in the war on terror! The whole thing makes a spook wonder if perhaps
there's a reason this ancient research project was quietly archived away
and never pursued. … That is,
if the
project was never pursued. Of course, I fully
acknowledge that tonight's transmission could be the
Calimochos de Cia
talking. Then again,
according to the theory of relativity,
Calimochos de Cia are the theory of
relativity talking.
Sunday You are the Green Zone of
my life. Briefings completed. Regimes changed.
Bags packed in preparation for my trip home tomorrow, reflected at
length on the following question: Have I succeeded
during this TDY of mine in fully exploring the inherent tension in this
narrative, namely, that of terror and the war against it, a war that I,
an intelligence officer (and by extension
all
intelligence officers) must necessarily wage as a basic condition of
existence? As for your humble spook's take on this question,
I believe the following insight probably best summarizes my view: I found fire water!!! That's right folks.
I'm talking real, 100 proof, red-hot-sweet, good ol' made-in-America
schnapps. The encrypted key of encrypted keys. Regarding how I managed – here in the Middle East
of all places – to locate and acquire this most powerful Weapon of Mass
Creation: such information must remain, now and likely forever, Top
Secret. By the way, this evening my beautiful wife called
me from stateside. Seems she looked in the dictionary and figured
out the "date" joke. Everything's fine now (not that it ever
wasn't – but thanks for caring, America). Allah of which reminds me: Once this whole international terrorism thing
calms down, I for one would like to see a bunch of us CIA officers get
together with former Al Qaeda members ... you know, to have a few
drinks, tell war stories (unclassified, of course), and just share some
laughs at the craziness of life and terror generally.
* Monday Have any persons unknown
to you handled your national security at any time? Back home this morning, none the worse for
terror. … For the most
part, that is. While details are classified, let's just say that
what started out as a straightforward departing flight from Baghdad for
points northwest two days ago (I think
it was two days ago), culminated in a bus ride through Israel with
several dozen just-released Palestinian militants (see photo above).
Incredibly, this was the only available means of transportation to
catch a connecting flight at Ben Gurion International Airport, after my
original flight was thrice diverted due to security concerns. I do have to admit that the guys on the bus were
a reasonably fun bunch. They sang some pretty cool songs – especially
one with "Shalom" in the chorus (though it's possible they were actually
saying "Salam"; I couldn't tell for sure since I don't speak Arabic,
Hebrew or Aramaic). The Israeli soldiers gave each of us bottled
water and a small bag of salted pretzels (better than what I got on the
El Al flight afterwards, I might add). My boss has ordered me to take an entire week off
before coming back to work. You know, so the jet lag won't mess
with my sleep cycle and cause me to potentially do something weird like
(to cite merely one possible example) get up at 0300 hrs and drive in to
the office to fight terror. … Allah forbid. Monday The kingdom of terror is
within you. Covertly materialized at 0401 hrs this morning in
my cubicle, deep inside a dark and deserted CIA outbuilding, listening
to trance-techno music on my headphones and surfing the classified Net. … At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking
news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than
usual in the Homeland. Calmly removed the
trance-techno file and queued up Life
Is Life by Laibach (or by Opus,
depending on your worldview). Unplugged the headphone attachment
from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast, and let 'er
rip. Around the third verse, turned the volume down a
little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the
terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-marriage sex. Waited until the song was over, just to make
sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to
trance-techno. Dutifully logged
successful execution of another covert operation in …
My War on Terror!™ The Covert
Comic.
Be not afraid. Be
very
not afraid.
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