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The Intelligence Underground:
Spookiest of the Spooks
By Jim Beetel
Remember James Jesus Angleton, the paranoid CIA counterintelligence
officer who, when he wasn’t single-handedly terrorizing the Agency’s
Directorate of Operations during the 1950’s and 60’s, was writing and
publishing eccentric poetry? And how about that military
intelligence officer at Pentagon who, prior to being discreetly retired
a few years back, was producing and selling his own pornographic
'paramilitary themed' videos on the side? More to the point, what
about the founding ‘father’ of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, J.
Edgar Hoover, who allegedly spent many an evening (presumably during
non-work hours) secretly parading around various Washington DC hotel
rooms in drag?
Scattered throughout the US Intelligence Community in Washington DC
today are numerous intelligence officials, possessing the highest
security clearances and enjoying access to the most sensitive US
Government secrets, who are notorious for their highly unorthodox
behavior and/or viewpoints. These Intelligence Community oddballs
constitute what is nowadays referred to by Washingtonians in the know as
the Intelligence Underground. As such, these unique men and women
are maintaining a tradition as old as America’s Intelligence Community
itself.
For example, there’s the famed ‘ufologist,’ Ron P. who, in addition to
his official duties as a CIA economic analyst, is known throughout the
Intelligence Community for his obsession with UFO’s. This
obsession sometimes lands him in trouble. Witness an incident
several years ago in which a civilian UFO researcher telephoned Ron P.
at CIA Headquarters and asked him what he knew about an alleged – and no
doubt mythical – classified project concerning purported US Government
contact with extraterrestrial life. Ron P. replied "Who cleared
you for that project?" and hung up, a prank that garnered the
considerable ire of CIA management when it was subsequently reported in
ufology journals around the globe (our globe, that is).
I once dropped by Ron’s office at CIA Headquarters to meet the legend.
Although Ron wasn’t in at the time I did notice much interesting UFO
paraphernalia in his office (including a battery-operated toy flying
saucer).
Another notorious Intelligence
Underground weirdo (or should I say weirdette) cannot be referred
to in this article even by her initials, so controversial is her
particular idiosyncrasy. This woman (who, like Ron P., by sheer
chance just happens to work at CIA) is a regular in the shadowy world of
Washington’s BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Sado-Masochism) scene.
According to reliable sources her orientation is that of ‘femdom’ (i.e.,
a keeper of male sex slaves – presumably the males are consenting).
I once crept stealthily up to her
cubicle at the CIA building where she works and, so as not to be caught
(and possibly disciplined) by the dominatrix, carefully and silently
peered over the wall. There she was, busily typing away at her
computer, defending our National Security with precisely the sort of
rigorous zeal one would expect from a woman who delights in the erotic
torture of male genitalia. And incidentally fellows, she’s
attractive!
Given that most of the above (and other)
eccentric practices are apparently known, to one degree or another, by
the security offices of the various agencies for which their
perpetrators work, the obvious question arises: Why haven’t these
kooks been fired for their bizarre activities? Perhaps, in the
end, they will be. For the moment though, these and other crazies
continue in their official duties as custodians of some of America’s
most sensitive information … and thereby constitute full-fledged members
of America’s Intelligence Underground.
But hold on, there’s more. In addition to the interesting
characters described above, there’s another denizen of the Intelligence
Underground who clearly warrants mention. Indeed, it’s probably no
exaggeration to state that the following person constitutes one of the
Intelligence Underground’s most prominent members. The person in
question is a CIA officer, one John Alejandro King, otherwise known as
'The Covert Comic.'
Who is The Covert Comic, you ask?
I suppose the simplest way to answer this question is to furnish the URL
of the Covert Comic’s very own web site, which has been published to the
great consternation of CIA Security and which is filled with fascinating
and (some would say) hilarious disclosures about the US Intelligence
Community:
On King's web site readers can find information
on such fascinating topics as secrets of 9/11, why the War on Drugs is
more consciousness raising (and fun) than the War on Terror, and last
but definitely not least, hundreds and hundreds of original and
(according to King) highly classified jokes about the CIA, the US
Intelligence Community, and life and the cosmos.
By way of a sample, consider the following plainly spooky utterances
which Intelligence Underground enthusiasts from NSA to DIA to the
Department of Homeland Security regularly cite as being among their
personal favorites:
"The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not
permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building."
"As an Agency employee, whenever I hear
that the CIA is programming people’s minds, I have to laugh. I
don’t want to laugh when I hear this, but I have to."
"The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is
in danger of being lost completely."
"The two criticisms we at CIA hear most frequently are, first, that CIA
intelligence is inaccurate, and second, that CIA officers are selling
CIA intelligence to foreign spy agencies.
... So what’s the problem?"
"They say Washington DC is filled with beautiful, intelligent young
women looking for husbands.
... Hey, I’m a husband."
"There's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe
out."
"If it’s really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don’t bounce off
when I shoot it?"
Other entries in The Covert Comic’s web
site include a log of his recent tour of duty in Iraq (and his
subsequent forced trip through Israel on a bus filled with newly freed
Palestinian prisoners), a selection of haiku poems on intelligence
topics (called 'Spaiku'), an appeal on behalf of PETA (no, not that
PETA - the group to which King refers is 'People for the Ethical
Treatment of Americans'), and much more. If you don’t believe me,
visit www.covertcomic.com and see for yourself.
The upshot of all this strangeness? Clearly the Intelligence
Underground lives on, and is in fact thriving. Just how long this
latest generation of weirdos like John Alejandro King will be able to
remain employed in the most sensitive jobs in the US Government is a
matter of debate. But that these current members of the
Intelligence Underground are maintaining the hallowed tradition of
eccentric US intelligence officers is beyond doubt. Here’s hoping
that in the Land of the Free it’ll never quite be impossible for an
out-and-out nut case to get and keep a top-secret security clearance.
The author has worked for the CIA since at least the late 1990's (and
possibly much earlier, if those stories about CIA mind control are
accurate).
The Covert Comic.
Read him while you still can!
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