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The Covert Comic

Weekly Intelligence Briefing


(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

Alert Memorandum?  I would certainly hope so.

●  Secret 22101.2.  The eye of the beholder is controlled from a dashboard in McLean.

●  My daughter says she wants to smash the patriarchy.  I told her "When you're 21, buy me a bottle of Tanqueray – you'll have the patriarchy smashed in an hour."

●  Diseases have names.  Cures are anonymous.

●  How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees. Real Men Don't Get Published

Executive Intelligence Summary

I can't handle the truth?  That's not what the truth said last night.




Any Intelligence Community term, followed by the word 'awareness,' automatically constitutes an oxymoron.

●  SpookSpeak.  ASAI adv.  Abbreviation for 'as soon as impossible.'  ('It's essential that we move to implement these promised reforms ASAI.')

●  When joined together, the five fingers form a fist with which to strike a blow against one's enemy.  But when separated, the five fingers form several bloody, scary body parts which can be thrown at one's enemy (with one's other hand).

●  We don't see things as they are, we see them as our optometrist is.

●  The key to effective anger management is learning to avoid doing things that piss me off in the first place. The Naked Intelligence Officer

Executive Intelligence Summary

There's no business like show business, but there's lots 'o businesses like matzo businesses.





  And so, to you, our nation's newest CIA officers, as you go forth to help lead America's intelligence effort, I offer this advice: if you bring me back as a consultant after I retire, someday others will do the same for you. – Remarks to graduating Career Trainees

●  If there was a play about a theatre company performing Shakespeare, that would be deep, because you'd have a guy saying 'All the world's a stage' on a stage on a stage on a stage.

  Flirting crosses the line and becomes inappropriate when it creates the impression that you're interested in the cadaver sexually.

  If you piss high enough, you'll make a rainbow. My War on Terror!

Executive Intelligence Summary

All I'm saying is that some of us happen to be a little better at fighting against elitism than others.


The Covert Comic officially isn't on Twitter.



The Covert Comic.

Read him while you still can!