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The Covert Comic

Weekly Intelligence Briefing


(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

Spot, assess, develop, recruit and handle this.

  The Department of Homeland Security is hiring Active Threat Planners.  In addition to possessing a full set of security clearances, applicants must have planned at least five active threats in the last three years.

  Motivational Secret of the Week.  In every obstacle, there's 'tacos.'  This fact helps remind us that, even in the midst of life's struggles, it's important to take time to eat wholesome, good-tasting food.

  Women wear pant suits.  Men wear dress pants.  Let's keep it that way.

  I watch TV, but only to make sure no one turns it on.

Executive Intelligence Summary

Note to My Neighbor About My Sexuality

Dear neighbor:

Last weekend when you came over to my garage to borrow some tools, I noticed you took my sexuality.  I'm sure you figured it was your sexuality, and that you must have loaned it to me previously and were just taking it back to your house again.  In any case, no harm done – please feel free to use my sexuality all this week if you want.  But if you wouldn't mind returning my sexuality when you're finished with it, hopefully by this weekend (my wife and I need it Saturday night), that would be great. 

Thanks neighbor!

Universal Intelligence Estimate




Every exit strategy is an entrance strategy to somewhere else.

  I met an attractive diplomatic officer at an embassy party in the Middle East.  She said she was Phrygian.  I told her I could help her with that.

●  The New York Times says torture is illegal and immoral.

Alexander Woollcott said that anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

... So if we can just figure out a way to make it fattening, torture will be a good thing. – The Naked Intelligence Officer

  For any motivational quote containing the word 'flaws,' substitute 'floss,' and the resulting insight will be even more empowering.

  He who hesitates at the lost and found is probably trying to be funny.

Executive Intelligence Summary

No one can make time stand still.  But any number make time do the moonwalk.




If you spy something, neither confirm nor deny something.

●  God spelled backwards is not dog.  God spelled backwards is delleps doG.

●  Motivational Secret of the Week.  Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things. Corporate compliance is righting things done.

  Peace, love and understanding isn't just a cliché.  It's actually three clichés.

●  The term is 'in-law', not 'in-fairness'.

Executive Intelligence Summary

Never run away from a problem.  If confronted by a problem, wave your arms and yell loudly.  If this doesn't succeed in scaring off the problem, immediately go limp and play dead. – Universal Intelligence Estimate


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