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Weekly Intelligence Briefing

(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

Dance like everybody’s watching, and it’s North Korea and you’re Kim Jong Un.

● I’m thinking about joining CIA’s employee singles club and maybe checking out one of their officially-neither-meet-nor-mingle events.

● Please listen carefully while my menu options change.

● Never begin a sentence with “To be honest,” since this could be interpreted as meaning you’re not always truthful with people. Instead, use the phrase “Seeing as how I’ve told you too much already and will have to kill you anyway.”

● Polycules? Polykewl!

Executive Intelligence Summary

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, I bet it’ll be by armbar or maybe a rear naked choke.

Выше нас только звёзды ... и может быть несколько дронов (Above us, only the stars … and maybe a few drones). – Official motto, Russian Spetsnaz (updated)

● Bought a T-shirt at a left-wing bookstore that says ‘Stop CIA Terror!’ Glad to see they’re just as opposed to scaring CIA employees as I am.

● As a privacy expert, my views on privacy are none of your damn business.

● This isn’t a daze, it’s a power trance.

● I want us to be one of those couples who finish each other’s sentences – as long as it’s a minimum-security facility.

Executive Intelligence Summary

If it weren’t for the laugh track, how would I know when to stop laughing?

‘House Intelligence Committee’ sounds like the name of a particularly nosy group of HOA members. The real House Intelligence Committee, of course, isn’t nearly that good.

● After 20 years working as a CIA ops officer, acquiring intelligence on some of the most sensitive topics in some of the most dangerous locations around the world, I increasingly find myself asking the question: Where do I turn all this stuff in?

● Whenever guests visit our house, Cleo curls up in their lap and lays there purring with her eyes closed. I know it may sound dumb, but when she does this I kind of feel rejected. And I sense our pets do too.

● Who’s this Miss Herdly Ricks who keeps getting the words to songs wrong?

● It may be worth noting that female members of the species Canis lupus familiaris never actually bitch about anything.

Executive Intelligence Summary

No justice, no peace? Throw in Noh theater, and consider me on board!

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