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My War on Terror! John
Alejandro King
The following chronology
details the life of one CIA officer and his personal war on terror.
Monday The kingdom of terror is
within you. Covertly materialized at 0402 hrs this morning
in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and sparsely populated CIA
outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and
surfing the Net. … At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking
news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than
usual in the Homeland. Calmly removed the
techno-trance file and queued up Life
Is Life by Laibach. Unplugged the
headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full
blast and let 'er rip. Around the third verse, turned the volume down a
little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the
terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-sex marriage. Waited until the song was over, just to make
sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to
techno-trance. Dutifully logged
successful execution of another covert operation in … my
war on terror! Tuesday Ignorance is blissinformation. Checked out the latest Terror Alert on the
Department of Homeland Security's web site. Reflected that if we had a
No Maggot List, we wouldn't need a No Fly List. Wednesday The mightiest of weapons
is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into
a government building. The difference between a Top Secret document,
and a document marked For Official Use Only, is that the latter can be
used as a doorstop in any US Government facility, while the former is
only permitted to serve said function within a secure US Government
vault. Thursday The term "holy war"
isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy. Following work this evening, sat around the
house chatting with the wife and playing with the kids. Read an article
in the newspaper about feminists calling for a "sex strike" by women to
protest the war in Iraq. Was surprised to learn that women weren't on
sex strike already. Also thought about terror. Friday Occasionally a secret falls into the wrong hands
– but most of the time they leap. * Monday The International Spy
Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is located
across the river in Langley, Virginia. Disabled an IED (improvised explosive device) at
CIA Headquarters this morning. The bomb, cleverly disguised as a small
robotic lawnmower, was moving toward the Kryptos sculpture in the Inner
Courtyard when I noticed it on my way to CIA Cafeteria to get coffee and
a pastry prior to attending a briefing. Disregarding my personal safety
(i.e., my need for large doses of caffeine and sugar prior to 0900 HRS),
I instinctively bolted out a side door, sprinted across the grass, and
stomped the device into a dozen pieces before it could detonate. Though I quickly left the scene so as not to be
late for my meeting (and thus managed to purchase coffee and pastry,
Alhamdulillah!), I heard afterwards that someone called CIA Security,
who immediately launched an investigation into the incident. No doubt
we'll learn that this attack was an Al-Qaeda operation. I don't consider myself a hero for having
performed this action. On the contrary, I'd like to think that any
Agency employee, seeing our beloved Kryptos sculpture in peril, would
have responded in a similar manner. Not that I for a single
moment believe myself deserving, but in the event your humble spook is
awarded the Distinguished Intelligence Cross for my actions today, I
intend to respectfully decline the honor. For me it's reward enough
knowing that I'm helping win small battles like this - battles in our
war, your war … my war on terror! Tuesday They say unless you're
the lead dog, the view never changes. Then again, if you're a dog you
probably like that view. When people really fear
the government, they get jobs there. Wednesday Is the question "Is the
glass half empty or half full?" semi-intelligent or semi-idiotic? Critical to our homeland security is recognizing
terrorist threats in the workplace. Taking just a few minutes each
quarter, or even once a month, to acknowledge terrorist threats at work
– presenting those threats with a certificate and/or small gift card as
appropriate – can help lift team morale and encourage co-workers to step
up their efforts in hopes of being recognized as terrorist threats too! Thursday Sometimes in my mind I
can still see Grandma's old Bible, with its worn out cover, tattered
spine and frayed edges. But then I think: wait, that's not Grandma's
Bible, that's Grandma. The famous marketing principle "If you can't
state your position in eight words, you don't have a position" can't be
stated in eight words. Friday All the world's not a
stage, it's a huge Cone of Silence. In my capacity as research manager for
counter-weaons proliferation, at one point I seriously investigated the
concept of "bio body armor." The basic idea: if an American soldier,
intelligence officer or other US Person serving overseas were attacked,
highly contagious organisms would be released from the body armor,
completely debilitating the attackers. Eventually I gave up on the project when I
realized that this form of defense exists already, and is America
itself. Sunday Every room is a situation room. Sunday afternoon - the
weekend's almost here! Think I'll have
a drink or nine and chat with the wife while the kids run around in the
yard, following which activities your humble spook intends to turn in
early this evening. Need to be well rested when I log in at work shortly
after 0400 tomorrow morning, play Oh
Happy Day by the Edwin Hawkins Singers
at full volume on my computer, and thereby unleash another inspired
counteroffensive in … my war on
terror! * Monday 'Threat management' is a
redundancy. If you don't attend counterterrorism briefings
for the donuts first and the intel second, the real terrorist is you. Tuesday Is there a patron saint
of intelligence officers? If not, I'm thinking Gabriel, the saint of
diplomats, communications, and remote sensing, would be the logical
choice. Note regarding
terminology: the phrase 'war on terror' refers to the fight against
terror itself, not to
making war against something else while seated upon, conveyed by means
of, or otherwise physically propped up by terror. Wednesday You make me want to be a better-armed person. My wife has a sex drive. The problem is, she
also has a sex neutral, a sex park and a sex reverse. Thursday Better a consultant who
tap dances, than a consultant who does the moonwalk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame
on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again! Friday Anything war can do,
peace can do better. Especially kill people. * Monday What's classified Top
Secret in executive offices on the seventh floor of CIA Headquarters is
common knowledge in clay huts on the sixth floor of CIA Headquarters. Captured two terrorists this afternoon who were
cleverly disguised in white short-sleeved business shirts with black
ties and riding bicycles. An obvious attempt to infiltrate my home and
forcibly convert me and my family to their obscure sect of extremist
Islam. They're tied up in our basement at the
moment. Haven't decided what to do with these infidels just yet. Tuesday Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must use a
silencer. When asked to comment on the report, a CIA
spokesperson began trembling uncontrollably, then suddenly vanished,
leaving behind a fist-sized cube of pale grainy material that crumbled
easily when handled by journalists. A second CIA
spokesperson pleaded in terror not to be told about the report at all.
– Washington Post (attributed) Wednesday You complete me. You complete-me destroy my
life. NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building is the world's
largest structure – it's actually been known to rain inside it on
occasion. Today I was privileged to be taken on a tour of
this storied facility as part of a US Intelligence Community delegation,
and we experienced the phenomenon firsthand. The workers on the
scaffolding far above us seemed unfazed by the conditions – we could
actually hear them shouting and laughing about it "raining inside the
building again." Thursday Don’t hate the
conspiracy, date the conspiracy! The more expensive looking the CIA office
furniture in a movie, the cheaper the screenplay. Friday
Have a need to know
this. Saturday Went shopping with the wife and kids
today. Reflected on how fortunate we are to live in a subsurb where the
local Burger King has a "God Bless America" banner hanging in front of
the drive-thru. Because otherwise we'd have no choice but to purchase
our burgers and fries at the Al-Qaeda's across the street.
* Monday What the CIA tells
Congress it's doing, and what the CIA is really doing, are three
different things. Read an intelligence estimate today on creeping
normality. Tried to remember a time when normality didn't. Tuesday Do I believe in coincidence? I’m not even sure I
believe in incidence yet. Fundamental to the achievement of victory in the
War on Terror is choosing the right weapons. As a fully cleared
intelligence officer with a documented record of routing terrorism
throughout the universe, I recommend the following armaments which have
proven their worth time and again to me and many other counterterror
professionals. 1. Be calm, optimistic, friendly, and
cultivate a mildly cynical sense of humor. 2. Seek truth and believe in the Light. 3. Calimocho de Cia. For those not familiar with the classified
world, a Calimocho de Cia is a non-lethal chemical agent that has been
shown to be extremely effective against terror. To produce a Calimocho
de Cia (or "CC" for short), simply mix a single serving of Diet Coke -
or any other well-caffeinated cola soft drink - with a very generous
quantity of burgundy or other potent red wine; then add a
small-to-medium-sized shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps, 94 proof
gin, or comparable booze. Be sure to deploy as cold as possible. Repeat
as not needed. Wednesday My very first job was at
McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: when something
goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed. Gave a counterproliferation briefing to a group
of visiting foreign intelligence officers at HQS today. Got a big laugh
when I told them: "Victims of biotoxin attack experience acute
paralysis, lose control of bodily functions, and exhibit severe
twitching and convulsions. You know, sort of like on your wedding
night." Also nudged terror and winked knowingly. Thursday
Actually, this is a gun in my pocket
and
I'm glad to see you. The CIA isn't so much a
shadow government, as a government by black light. Friday I can neither confirm nor deny that the
Mauritanian Islamic Liberation Front was originally created by me and a
couple of other guys at CIA to make web-based intelligence collection at
work more agreeable. I can confirm more than
deny that it has in fact done so. Sunday I wouldn't mind that
most men lead lives of quiet desperation, if they didn't do it so
loudly. Drove the family to DC for a stroll along the
Washington Mall this afternoon. Remained constantly on the alert for
terror, but all I saw were several guys dressed in camo holding machine
guns. Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly
find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with
coins in them. I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don't see me
flaunting it in public like that. Going to bed early
tonight. Want to be rested and focused tomorrow morning when I play
Vagueness by
Kinoue64 on my computer at work (full volume, of course) hours before
dawn. There's nothing like hearing a wall of Shoegaze guitar music
(downloaded from the future, to boot) move like a slow tsunami through
the dark halls of a CIA facility around 4:00 a.m. It's a most
exhilarating way to begin a fresh work week, and invariably inspires
great new operational concepts on behalf of ...
my war on terror! * Monday If it topples over on me and pins me underneath
it, does that count as seizing the day? Rumor has it there's a major reorganization in
the works here at Langley. I’m all for organizational shakeups at CIA, so
long as we're not organizationally stirred. Tuesday Are more people suffering from attention deficit
disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying
attention to? SpookSpeak.
Disclaymore n.
A directional, command-detonated denial of responsibility featuring an
exceptionally wide kill zone. Wednesday You say 'terrorist
database' like there's some other kind. Received a
communiqué from a military buddy serving in Iraq. He reports that your
humble intel officer's counterterror weapon of choice, the Calimocho de
Cia, is
enjoying growing popularity among US and Coalition forces there. According to my source, the CC has significantly
improved morale, enhanced combat readiness, and is starting to find
favor among more progressive Iraqis fighting terror as well. Speaking of combat, this evening I chased away a
terrorist I found crouching next to the sliding door on the deck of our
townhome. Judging from its large distended abdomen, I strongly suspect
it was a female carrying an egg sack. At first I was going to kill it, but in the end
I just flicked it off our deck with the tip of my shoe. Please don't get me
wrong - I was not being
soft on terror. On the contrary, I fully expect that by now this
particular terrorista has given birth and is being eaten alive by her
offspring, who in turn should provide tasty nutrition to the local bird
population. Thursday The saying ‘Youth is truth’ is long in the
tooth. Subject was vetted
by FBI's Terrorist Screening Center, but was rejected for a leading role
when he kept forgetting his lines. –
[Context classified] Friday You be my suicide bomber, I'll be your
bomb-sniffing dog. * Monday Give us this day our
Daily Brief. Read the following editorial comment this
morning in a major US news publication: "A CIA officer at Langley is
paid a hundred thousand dollars a year to exchange e-mails with a
semi-employed bureaucrat in Pakistan, and we call that intelligence???" As a CIA officer, I
know I sure
do! Tuesday In Islam it's called a "fatwa." In the Christian
religion it's referred to as a "Memorandum for the Record." A mnemonic verse to help one remember not to
commit genocide: Only a creep'll
Annihilate a people Wednesday The term ‘weasel words’ may well constitute, or
at least cannot be ruled out as constituting, a redundancy. SpookSpeak. Orgasm n. A
fake fake orgasm. Thursday War on Terror –
lesson learned: It's difficult to
carry out an effective psychological operation against an enemy who has
a non-operational psyche. Friday When they say "no
preparation necessary," do they mean to prepare isn't necessary, or that
it's necessary to not prepare? James Michener wrote: "If you reject the food,
ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as
well stay home." The problem is, that's how I feel about my home. Saturday There's a fine line
between surrounding yourself with talented people and deploying human
shields. * Monday CIA is the big wet friendly dog of international
espionage. Read some disturbing intelligence today
regarding efforts by a Third World government to develop weapons of mass
destruction. ‘World’ - talk about a dangerous concept. Tuesday Necessity is the mother-in-law of patents. Does each of us not sell his or her body to
strangers? … Because a lot of nights it seems like I'm the
only person standing out here. Wednesday I don't understand military personnel wearing
green and brown camouflage in computer rooms. Shouldn't their camo look
like computers??? To get a sense of what the real world of
espionage is like, imagine the James Bond Theme performed by a junior
high school marching band. Thursday Sh*t doesn't happen, happening sh*ts. My wife is thinking about having another baby.
As for me, I've got a few questions. First of all, how many children do we have now? Friday
* Monday Misinformation es tusinformation. My military buddy in Iraq wrote me another
e-mail. He says if I don't ship him numerous bottles of 100 proof
schnapps or comparable booze so he can make many Calimochos de
Cia, he'll request I be sent TDY to the Green Zone to provide training
for nascent Iraqi defense and security forces. In my reply I played his threat off as a joke.
Just to be on the safe side though, I'm looking into how to get an
entire case of firewater sent over there asap. Sometimes it feels like international terrorism
is actually making my penis smaller. On the other hand, if my penis gets
small enough, maybe I'll be able to have multiple orgasms! Tuesday As the French would
say, 'Les Français ne
diraient jamais 'Comme
diraient les Français.'' My wife and I had our first fight last night. We
pinned a couple from across the street two minutes into the third round. Wednesday Intelligence
dissemination limited? No kidding. Allen Ginsberg's thought: 'First thought, best
thought' could not have occurred prior to his third thought. Thursday
When I joined the CIA I lost friends, family,
and relationships. The countersurveillance training is
that
good! Perhaps the most
alarming revelation in the wake of Monday's brutal repression of mass
demonstrations against the president of Malawi is that it turns out I'm the
president of Malawi, and no one at CIA Headquarters bothered to tell me. … I could have been seriously injured, people. Friday Why do you want to be when you grow up? * Monday No Entry Without Badge.
With Badge, Even Less Entry Than That. Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known
as "first day back from vacation." I can neither confirm nor deny having spent the
last several days at a well known US theme park (not talking about CIA
Headquarters … just this one time) with the wife and kids. A minor blip occurred on our first night at the
hotel, when my wife and I discovered to our absolute panic that our
10-month-old baby boy had eaten a terrorist. Near as we can figure, our son discovered the
poor hapless bastard crawling across the floor of our hotel
kitchen. Although we managed to pry about a third of the extremist's
lifeless body from his mouth, we were unable to retrieve the rest. No
doubt the terrorist had it coming, but that's one fate I wouldn't wish
on even the most vicious Al-Qaeda member. Good thing terrorists are basically made of
protein, so there should be no significant health risk to our junior
spook. Tuesday Mom warned me about girls like you, Mom. Read that dogs align
themselves with the Earth's magnetic field when urinating or defecating.
Trying it myself this week – so far it does kind of feel better. Wednesday My name is engraved in
marble at CIA Headquarters (and in order to keep it that way, I'm not
telling where). Saw on the news that a parking garage collapsed
in New Jersey. Which raises the question: how many other parts
of New Jersey are there that still haven't collapsed yet? Thursday Imagery exploitation? As a matter of fact, I’m
helping that imagery pay her way through college. On the other hand, getting found in the shuffle
isn't necessarily all that hot either. Friday You say 'chaos theory'
like there's some other kind. * Monday 'According to a reliable
HUMINT source with proven access' is to intelligence as 'based on a true
story' is to Hollywood films. Heard a rumor this
morning about a possible TDY by your humble intel officer to Baghdad.
This particular RUMINT has me going out to provide counterproliferation
briefings for a week along with legendary WMD contractor "Gary S." Good ol' Gary S. owns
the distinction of having been gassed with Sarin in the 1960's twice, and
living to consult about it. Gary's advice on surviving exposure to lethal
nerve agents: "Just stay calm, stick the atropine injector in your leg
like they showed you in training, breathe slowly, and try not to move
around too much." By the way, except for the part about "staying
calm," the above instructions pretty much sum up a typical day in the
life of many counterintel officers. Tuesday If you urinate high
enough, you’ll make a rainbow! SpookSpeak. Action n.
A particularly unconvincing form of bluff. Wednesday Time cannot erase the memory of love lost – as
quickly and easily as it can deallocate that memory using a TRUNCATE
TABLE command. The words 'national' and
'security' are like precursors for a binary chemical weapon: not overly
dangerous by themselves, but capable of completely shutting down the
brain and nervous system when used in combination.
As an operations officer on the front lines
of the fight against international terrorism, there have been times I
wept after agent meetings. The intel was
that
funny. Happy Thanksgiving! While babysitting the
kids and waiting to eat bird this afternoon, cruised around the Agency's
public web site on the home PC. Noted per the description on the page
that the celebrated HQS sculpture Kryptos (you
know, the one I heroically saved from terrorists only a few weeks ago)
"incorporates native American materials such as wood and metal." You
can't make this stuff up, people. At least not without an official
security clearance. In the evening we had Thanksgiving dinner with
various in-laws. Thought about terror. Frequently. Friday Each of us is our own agent provocateur. Sunday This morning at Mass our priest spoke about
divine agency. Couldn’t tell whether he was referring to CIA or NSA. Lounged around the house with the wife and kids
today, feasting on Thanksgiving leftovers and watching television. When
I heard a TV commentator say that Americans aren't a gullible people, I
just smiled. Americans not gullible: talk about wonderful news! Must now get to
bed early. It's critical to US national security that your humble spook
rise, eons before dawn tomorrow, and play Have
You Forgotten How to Love Yourself by
the Red House Painters on my computer at CIA Headquarters, so as to
already have fought and won, eons beforehand ...
my war on terror! * Monday There's nothing funny
about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe out. It's 'Alhamdulillah,' not 'All ham to Allah.'
Trust me on this one. Tuesday If there wasn't a method to it, it wouldn't be
madness. There's untold wealth in
Africa, and untold Africa in wealth. Wednesday God does not play dice with the universe ...
ever since the universe caught God cheating last week. Albert Einstein: The
grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical
facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or
axioms. Numerous jazz
musicians: Everything is everything. Thursday I'm worried about the rate at which America
seems to be spiraling out of control. America usually spirals
out of control well before lunchtime. Friday With no jihadists or virgins there, how bad can
hell be??? Let's not do something we'll regret later. Let's
do it now! Sunday I’m not divorced from
reality, but we are seeing other people. Have prepared a
protein-packed breakfast and ensured ample caffeine supplies for
tomorrow’s pre-dawn raid on my cubicle at HQS. Also choosing appropriate
music, of course; something up-tempo with a big, mean-ass bass line –
all the better with which to stomp the enemy while unleashing another
triumphant week in… my war on terror! * Monday Communism, fascism,
tourism – all the monolithic ideologies are basically the same. It's officially not on! Your humble spook is for the record not flying
TDY to Baghdad in four weeks. I won't be there providing tutorials on
the use of a couple of classified applications (officially not developed
by my team) that don't enable identification and neutralization of
weapons of mass destruction. And yeah, the venerable Gary S., nerve
agent survivor and counterproliferation consultant extraordinaire,
officially won't be going out with me. I'll readily admit that I’d been feeling
somewhat conflicted about whether I really wanted to undertake such a
mission; but now that the decision has been made for me, I can't wait
not to go! When I don't go TDY to
Iraq, I intend not to take along an ample personal cache of burgundy,
schnapps and/or gin plus Diet Coke for mixing my famed Calimochos
de Cia … you know, to tide me over while I search for more strategic
quantities of said materiel on behalf of our brave men and women serving
in that country (and me). Tuesday Intelligence discipline? I find timeouts work
pretty well. I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently
promoted to assistant life equipment manager. Wednesday It's not an asymmetric
threat, it's an asymmetric promise. It bothers me to see so many people in our
society today scared and stressed out. So this morning I hooked up a
microphone and loudspeaker to my car, and at lunch drove around Capitol
Hill and Pennsylvania Avenue repeating the following phrase in an
official sounding voice: “Please remain calm. Do not panic. The situation
is under control.” It did seem to have an
effect on people. It certainly made me feel
better. Thursday Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. On the other
hand, ain't nothin' but massive solar storms when she's present. To be cleared to know is sexy. To actually know
is fat, bald and middle-aged. Friday I'm no longer flirting
with disaster – disaster and I are now formally engaged. * Monday Think of managers, not as order givers, but as
facilitators. And that's a facilitation. This draft
presidential finding needs to be sanitized prior to release to
Congress. Get me an expert on sanity. –
[Context classified] Tuesday Some women take off their clothes, others get
evicted by them. Officially didn't drive over to State Department
this morning to not pick up my dip passport for my non-TDY to
Baghdad. While there, reflected that State Department officers have
diplomatic immunity, while CIA spooks have diplomatic autoimmunity. Wednesday According to the Daily
Threat Report, the threat of this being a day has officially been raised
from Elevated to High. Thursday Peace through strength, neutrinos through solid
matter. Words of Estimative Probability are the tiny car
that twenty-seven clowns pile out of at the circus of intelligence
analysis. Friday I have everything I need
to destroy my enemies in a manila envelope. Now if I can just figure out
a way to get them in there. To rise to the rank of
entertainment executive, I bet you have to be
really fun. Sunday Combat readiness? Don't
we always??? Speaking of which
(readiness, not combatting it), tomorrow I'm getting read in for my
Baghdad TDY. Think I'll go to bed early tonight, so that before the sun
comes up I can materialize in my cubicle deep inside CIA Headquarters
and prepare for the preparing by listening to River
Man by Nick Drake on my computer. I mean, talk about getting read in – the lyrics
to that song are actually classified. I've sung too much already. * Monday When the stock market goes down, it goes down on
the bond market. Learned about the Iraqi stakeholders I'll
officially not be working with on my upcoming trip. Reasonably sensitive
stuff, though nothing you can't figure out by watching TV news with the
sound muted while listening to bass-heavy Middle East-themed techno
trance music. Too bad I don't have time to take some of the
advanced personal security training courses (defensive driving,
hand-to-hand combat, etc.) that HUMINT spooks receive in preparation for
being sent overseas to Danger Pay posts. I mean, with that kind of
skillset, just think of all the terror your humble spook could defeat in
the future when seeking a parking spot at Tyson's Corner shopping mall
during Christmas season (to cite merely one National Security-relevant
example). Tuesday Shhh ... I heard I
thought something. SpookSpeak.
Collide o' scope n.
Any project for which more than one organization defines requirements. Wednesday There is none so anosmic
as he who will not smell. Waxing philosophical may be tiresome, but it
leaves your philosophy smooth and hair-free for up to six full weeks. Thursday If I ever look back and
see a second set of footprints in the sand beside my own, as a CIA
officer I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe it's our tech guys
playing another one of their jokes. Got a pleasant surprise this morning when a
group of terrorists visited our neighborhood to sing Christmas carols.
When they got to our house, a couple of them told me that, although
technically at war with the United States and international Zionism (and
therefore reserving the right to attack and kill us later in the month),
they wanted to sincerely convey best wishes to me and my family. Feeling
distinctly moved, I thanked the terrorists for their magnanimous
gesture, and enthusiastically wished them the same. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the holiday spirit
could last all year long? Friday If you laughed slowly
enough, you'd think you were being serious. * Monday Life's a pitch, then you
spy. Before I was hired by
CIA, I used to joke that a real central
intelligence agency would have a gigantic brain located deep inside its
headquarters building. Now that I work here, I realize such jokes are
foolish. And painful. Tuesday The saying “curiosity killed the cat” isn't an
argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat. May your hopes never be dashed, but rather,
comma-delimited. Wednesday My operational cover
won't withstand scrutiny. It starts giggling and blushing every time. Briefing the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee
is like having a baby take your candy. Thursday How did he who rides a tiger get on it in the
first place? Intelligence
Community Dis of the Day. Originator
Controlled? She sure wasn't last night! Friday The last person in the world you should be
sleeping with is still a person you should be sleeping with. Every day is
International Tangled Web of Emotions Day. Sunday Millions long for
immorality, who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday
afternoon. ... What? It’s 'immortality?' That too. … Speaking of which
(immorality, immortality, or both), your humble spook officially doesn't
fly out TDY to Baghdad next Thursday morning. Going to turn in early
tonight. Need to get as much rest as possible in advance of the many
harrowing battles I'm no doubt soon to fight in ... my
war on terror! * Monday I may be human scum, but damn it, I'm still
scum. Talk about
harrowing battles in my war on terror. In anticipation of Thursday’s TDY
your humble spook had to go to the Office of Medical Services this
morning to receive shots and a butt probe. Question: Is the probing of my anus really
essential to our National Security? Who am I kidding? Everyone knows that a butt
probe, and our National Security, are one and the same thing. Tuesday
You don't buy the doll because it's
inflatable, you buy it because it's deflatable. When you go to the
office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your
employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle. Wednesday Her lips said no, but
her eye said yes. How can you think outside it unless there's a
box? Thursday There are no passengers
on spaceship Earth – we're all sky marshals. Now I know how Mata Hari must have felt
(assuming Mata Hari's luggage ever got lost when she was TDY). Good thing I don't keep controlled information
in my personal baggage (not counting those nude pictures of Mata Hari). Friday Wall, wall, behind the
mirror Who the hell put this
spy cam here??? Even if I knew the
geographic coordinates of this room I just checked into, I wouldn't be
permitted to disclose them. At this moment every cell in my body is
totally exhausted. I'm so tired I'm not even going to play Snoopy's
Theme by Vince Guaraldi on my computer
at full blast (which I had intended to do as a way of celebrating my
arrival at the massive US embassy compound here in Baghdad). For now,
that milestone will have to wait. I am turning in immediately, this very
second, because trust me people, your humble spook is absolutely smack
dab in the middle of ... my war on
terror! * Monday I'm all for situation
awareness, so long as the situation doesn't start getting ideas. Iraq TDY – Day One. Wouldn't you know it: I show
up in Baghdad and they start killing liquor store owners. Is there a message here?
If so, I assume the message is: I
should have brought a lot more liquor. This morning was briefly briefed by a briefer
wearing (probably) briefs. Subject of said briefing: briefees whom I'll
briefly be briefing. Following the briefing, caught an armored
shuttle back to my quarters. While on the way experienced a massive
sandstorm that reduced visibility to near zero and made any forward
movement virtually impossible. Momentarily felt as if I was back in DC
attending a State Department conference on sustainable Third World
socio-economic development.
Tuesday The world's largest
mosque is located only one hundred meters from the Grand KFC of Mecca. I think it's important
that the American people understand that the US presence in Iraq isn't
about oil. It's about the money you get from selling oil. Oh, and by the way, I've definitely decided that
my favorite smell is Kevlar. Unless Kevlar doesn't have a smell, in
which case my favorite smell is me wearing Kevlar. Wednesday Good intelligence isn't
distilled, it's detoxed. More briefings. Tried a
Saddam Burger at lunch today. Actually, it was a Kabab
Iroog, but it kind of looked like a
hamburger. Pretty tasty too. I almost relented to having a beer with it,
but in the end decided to maintain my standards (your humble intel
officer prefers wine and liquor if at all possible - not because I'm a
snob, you understand, but because beer tends to make your humble spook
fat, plus I get little or no buzz from it, thereby rendering its
intelligence value at best questionable). In the evening, talked on the phone with my
beautiful wife back home in Northern Virginiastan in advance of my
return flight this weekend. Just for kicks, told her I was getting lots
of hot dates here in Baghdad. My intent was to make a pun about Iraq's
leading cash crop. The problem: my beautiful wife is from Eastern
Europe. Language difficulties … and now, marital
difficulties. Not to worry. I'll smooth everything over
when/if I get back home. Thursday War is glorious until
you see the man next to you get killed. Then war is only glorious if he
was an asshole. You want to know
about real terrorism? I'll tell you about real terrorism. Real terrorism
is when you fly half way around the world to a major conflict zone,
check in to your room inside a massively guarded compound, carefully
place your smuggled alcohol in the ice box, then later that evening
after work, with the lights and the air conditioning and the Internet in
your room all functioning perfectly, you go to get your booze from the
ice box … and it's warm. Because the ice box – and only the
ice box – has stopped working. Damn you Al-Qaeda! Friday We only hate what we don't understand. What we
understand, we loathe, despise and execrate. A lot of folks would have said I was crazy to
befriend the Iraqi street kid who stood in front of me waving a live
hand grenade as I walked alone down a seedy Baghdad side street. I know I would
have said this, which is why I threw a wad of bills at him and got my
ass out of there at a rate approaching light speed. The good news: my ice box is once again
functioning, and tomorrow is Saturday (no briefings)! The even better
news: I've been working the only energy pipeline that really matters,
and as a result may shortly succeed in scoring multiple units of 100
proof peppermint schnapps on behalf of various American military
personnel here. Talk about a potentially
decisive stratagem in … my war on
terror! Saturday My conscience is
cleared. Briefings completed. With my bags packed in
preparation for my trip home tomorrow, reflected at length on the
following question: Have I succeeded in my journal in fully
exploring the inherent tension within this narrative, namely, that of
terror and the war against it, a war that I, an intelligence officer
(and by extension all of us, because ultimately who isn’t an
intelligence officer?) must necessarily wage as a basic condition of
existence? As for your humble spook's take on this
question, the following probably best summarizes my view: I found firewater!!! That's right folks. I'm
talking real, 100 proof, red-hot-sweet, good ol' made-in-America
schnapps. The encrypted key of encrypted keys. Regarding how I managed – here in the Middle
East, of all places – to locate and acquire this most powerful Weapon of
Mass Creation: such information must remain, now and likely forever, Top
Secret. Suffice to say that, with the technical endorsement of Gary S.
(who agreed that “in theory it could help a little”), your humble spook
managed to get the chief of station to sign off on a shipment of
numerous cases of “nerve agent antidote-related” material “ostensibly
labeled” booze (you know, for cover purposes). My DoD buddies, to whom I arranged delivery of
virtually the entire contents, are talking about putting me in for a
Meritorious Service Medal (especially when they’re consuming the
product, which right now they’re doing very, very frequently). By the way, this evening my beautiful wife
called from stateside. Seems she looked in the dictionary and figured
out the "date" joke. Everything's fine now (not that it ever wasn't –
but thanks for caring, America). Allah of which reminds me:
* Monday Have any persons unknown
to you handled your national security at any time? Back home this morning, none the worse for
terror. … For the most part,
that is. While details are classified, let's just say that what started
out as a straightforward departing flight from Baghdad for points
northwest two days ago (I think it
was two days ago), culminated in a bus ride through Israel with a couple
dozen just-released Palestinian militants. Incredibly, this was the only
available means of transportation to catch a connecting flight at Ben
Gurion International Airport, after my original flight was thrice
diverted due to security concerns. I do have to admit that the guys on the bus were
a reasonably fun bunch. They sang some pretty cool songs – especially
one with "Shalom" in the chorus (though it's possible they were actually
saying "Salam"; I couldn't tell for sure since I don't speak Arabic or
Hebrew). The Israeli soldiers gave each of us bottled water and a small
bag of pretzels (better than what I got on the El Al flight afterwards,
I might add). My boss has ordered me to take an entire week
off before coming back to work. You know, so the jet lag won't mess with
my sleep cycle and cause me to potentially do something weird like (to
cite merely one possible example) get up at 0300 hrs and drive to the
office to fight terror. … Allah forbid. Monday The kingdom of terror is
within you. Covertly materialized at 0401 hrs this morning
in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and sparsely populated CIA
outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and
surfing the Net. … At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking
news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than
usual in the Homeland. Calmly removed the
techno-trance file and queued up Life
Is Life by Laibach. Unplugged the
headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full
blast and let 'er rip. Around the third verse, turned the volume down a
little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the
terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-marriage sex. Waited until the song was over, just to make
sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to
techno-trance. Dutifully logged
successful execution of another covert operation in … my
war on terror!
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