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The Covert Comic

Catwalk of Spies

 

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The Agency neither confirms nor denies

While booking its models

On the catwalk of spies

 

That the catwalk of intel is a runway of lies

And everyone poses

On the catwalk of spies

 

Catwalk of whispers, catwalk of sighs

Catwalk of secrets

Catwalk of spies

 

Cover is a microskirt flaunting your thighs

With sheer blouse unbuttoned

On the catwalk of spies

 

And truth’s a pair of pumps, too small by one size

Make sure you don't stumble

On the catwalk of spies

 

Covert action is shadow that brings out your eyes

And black ops make you slimmer

On the catwalk of spies

 

Spy dust is blush the makeup artist applies

And everyone’s airbrushed

On the catwalk of spies

 

Agents are items you accessorize

You wear each one proudly

On the catwalk of spies

 

But when the big designer your portfolio buys

And you make that cold read

On the catwalk of spies

 

In that moment your dress falls, and you realize

Strutting forth naked

On the catwalk of spies

 

That the passage through which unto light we all rise

That runway of spirit

Is a catwalk of spies

 

Catwalk of whispers, catwalk of sighs

Catwalk of eternity

Catwalk of spies

 

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Let the facts lie for themselves.

 

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SpookSpeak.  Cleared adj.  1. Officially granted access to classified information.  2. Sold at a discount.  3. Removed as unwanted refuse.  4. All of the above, more or less in that sequence.

  

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The real redaction is the declassification.

 

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The first three assets a junior CIA ops officer gets killed should be considered part of his or her on-the-job training.  Any assets killed after that should count toward promotion.

 

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I used to think bad things only happened to other people. 

Then bad things happened to me. 

So now I know bad things only happen to other people.

 

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The ultimate no-lone zone is your cranial cavity.

 

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When I was a kid, my father worked 16 hours a day to put food on the table. 

Eventually my mother convinced him to buy lighter food.

 

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The world is your walk-in.

 

 

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Every intelligence briefing is a catwalk of spies.

 

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Secret 24913060.  The exception grooves the rule.

 

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I'm damned if I do, but only darned if I don't.

                           

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The true Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility is your soul.

 

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At CIA our job isn’t to be part of the first line of defense against an enemy, it’s to be part of that enemy’s first line of attack.

 

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Secret 9.6.218.  The name of any animal sounds scarier if you put the word 'grizzly' in front of it.

 

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'Intelligence Sources & Methods Involved?'  I didn't even know they were dating!

 

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Is it that a lot of stuff looks like the Virgin Mary, or that the Virgin Mary looks like a lot of stuff?

 

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A CIA ops officer never uses an asset as a 'discard' to protect more valuable assets.  A country or two maybe, but never an asset.

 

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SpookSpeak.  Digress v. [Portmanteau of di- (twofold, double) + progress (to develop toward a more advanced state)]  To be twice as informative and enlightening.

 

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You can tell a lot about a person by what they think you can tell a lot about a person by.

 

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Secret 31150.  Either it's not worth worrying about, or it's worth not worrying about.

 

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You are what you spot, assess, develop, recruit and handle.

 

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Before you criticize a baby, crawl a mile in its diaper.

 

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Attended a threat management course at State Department.  What a waste of time.  They spent the whole day talking about prevention.

 

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For years I thought the saying was 'Keep your rear to the ground.' 

And truth be told, it's always worked pretty well for me.

 

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The more powerful the drug, the worse the drug violence … and yet, the better the drug violence.

 

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Whoever said "The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun" never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

 

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People who don't need people are the second luckiest people in the world.

 

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Application for CIA Employment, Question 1.19

 

Fill in the blank with the word or phrase that best completes the following sentence, using the choices provided below.

You must __ the change you wish to see in the world.

a. Be

b. Flee

c. Ski

d. Brie

e. Pee

f.

 

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Properly executed, the brush pass is a highly effective means of covert communication.  Improperly executed, it's even better.

 

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A good hamburger looks like someone eating a good hamburger.

 

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It isn't drug abuse if you don't slap the drugs around or force them to have sex with you.

                  

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A dog only urinates on that which stands firm.

                                                      

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I don't suffer fools gladly, I suffer them orgasmically.

 

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Secret 76913082.  Probability that Van Morrison chose the song title ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ because he couldn’t remember her name: at least 66.7%. 

 

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If E = mc˛, this presumably explains all the energetic fat people.

 

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As long as there's an i in 'deity,' I really don't care how you spell 'team.'

 

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When the people demand the truth, and those in power respond with silence, why is it assumed that those in power aren’t being truthful?

 

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If you can't recruit the asset you love, love the asset you recruit.

 

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You don't drink to drown your sorrows, you drink to give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

  

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To an analyst, 'hard indicator' isn't suggestive, it's the organ itself.

                  

 

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Every Special National Intelligence Estimate is a catwalk of spies.

 

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Big secrets are little compared to little secrets.

 

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In the core values statement on the CIA web page is the following declaration: "We seek and speak the truth." 

To which, as a CIA officer, I would add that we leak, sneak, tweak, wreak, freak, pique and gleek the truth too.

 

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"When you say 'national security,' are you referring to the safety and defense of our country, or to a national tradable asset such as a stock, bond or futures contract?" she purred.

"... Yeah," I whispered, leaning closer and softly touching her hand.

 

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I'm well travelled, but badly arrived.

 

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What is the sound of one hand clapping … your smooth, firm, perfectly rounded buttocks?

 

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If enough sh*t hits the fan blades, they'll stop rotating.

 

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In an opposite universe, the bar walks into you. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 3.49

 

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SpookSpeak.  Beclassify v.  To classify information excessively or in an ostentatious manner.

 

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America can't be the world's policeman?  Damn.  I was kind of hoping we could arrest and strip search Denmark.

 

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; which means that, by definition, it was also the median of times.

 

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Warning: Letting freedom ring at excessive decibel levels may cause tinnitus.

 

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I may not know the half of it, but I know the √-1 of it.

 

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Let your conscience be your slide.

 

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Good contact reporting isn’t merely a record of the verbal statements made by an asset or developmental to the ops officer.  It also includes information about the subject’s facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, what kind of clothes they were wearing, what kind of underclothes they were wearing (or whether they were wearing any underclothes), what kind of moves they had in bed, how noisy or quiet they were, and whether they have any cute friends you can introduce to the chief of station.

 

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No hay “I” en “team”, pero hay dos “yos" en “yo-yo”.

 

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When you’re a kid playing sandlot baseball, you don’t know about salary caps and collective bargaining agreements and luxury taxes; you just know about salary caps and collective bargaining agreements (and maybe a little about luxury taxes).

 

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If less is more, how much is the same amount?

 

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The famous quote "Until all are free, none are free" suggests a challenging, even unpleasant situation.  Until, that is, one analyzes this statement using principles of logical argument. 

First, we can express the sentence "Until all are free, none are free" in the form of a logical proposition:

"If it is not the case that all people are free, then it is the case that no people are free." 

Applying the logical contrapositive of this statement, we have:

"If it is not the case that no people are free, then it is not not the case that all people are free." 

An unwieldy sentence to be sure.  But utilizing the concept of double negation, this statement becomes: "If at least one person is free, then all people are free." 

Clearly a happier, more optimistic interpretation!

The exercise above is just one example of how logic, when properly applied, can serve to clarify problems and help suggest solutions.  The reader is invited to use logic to analyze other famous statements – for instance the following:

If you're not not not part of the solution, you're not not not not part of the problem.

 

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Actually, I'm OK with less than extreme prejudice, as long as you terminate.

 

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Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be dusty.

 

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It was the usual dog and pony show: the ponies riding the dogs. – After briefing the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence

 

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Before we get into a pissing contest here, is the prize for height, quantity, or force per square meter?

 

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An aphorism and its author aren't joined by a dash, but separated by it.

 

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When the commercial says "Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity," do they mean every time?

 

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Saw a headline on the CIA website: “The CIA World Factbook Is Changing.” 

Jokingly imagined dictators around the globe reading these words and trembling in fear.

Getting more serious, proceeded to read the description of the coming changes: new fonts, enhanced graphics, and a more streamlined presentation.

Realized those dictators should probably flee their countries immediately.

   

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If character is what you do when no one’s watching, then since it’s never the case that no one’s watching, you therefore have no character.

 

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Infallibility is something you more or less fall into.

   

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If a statement begs a question, don't give it one.  It's only going to use the question to get alcohol or drugs.

 

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Sometimes you have to extend a membrane process for what you believe in, even if it means extending that membrane process alone. – Motivational Quotes for Amoeboids

 

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Can't we f*ck about something more pleasant?

 

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The ultimate false flag operation is the flag.

 

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A talk with a child is cheaper than therapy – although if that's your reason for talking to children, you should probably still get the therapy.

 

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I don't know what "passing muster" is, but it certainly doesn't sound like appropriate behavior for a government workplace.

 

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The cleared renew their clearances every five years or so. The uncleared renew their clearances every day.

 

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You'll never know how high you can soar until you climb inside the cannon.

 

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You had me at.

                                  

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When Jesus told us to love one another, He never said we had to like it.

 

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Come to think of it, when isn't it a good idea to go limp and play dead?

 

 

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Life begins at deception.

       

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Secret 52810131.  Every narrow flat platform used by fashion models to demonstrate clothing, accessories and/or narrow flat platforms, is an intelligence briefing.

 

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Secret 2.3.8.  Eternity merely postpones the inevitable.

                                          

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"Intelligence" is a contradiction in term.

 

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I’m not digressing – this briefing is about everything.

 

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In an opposite universe, first people state what it is they're demanding an apology for, and then that thing gets done to them. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 379155722

 

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My wife told me "I need you like the desert needs the rain: once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes."

 

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In the highly unlikely event he survived the drastic changes in the ratio of his volume to his surface area, by approximately the 8th week of his ordeal the Incredible Shrinking Man, having become smaller than an oxygen molecule, would certainly have died of asphyxiation.

 

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In America we believe in second chances.  We’ll chase after you and kick your ass again.

 

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It was 2:30 in the afternoon, under a cloudless summer sky, when I felt the pulsating thump of the approaching choppers.  Instinctively I looked up, knowing even as I did so that it would be useless.  They always came in the daytime, when they knew you couldn't see them.  Would we ever learn the identity and purpose of the super secret government agency behind the azure helicopters?

 

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My word is my blonde.

 

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Research shows that sex results in health benefits, provided you sleep with someone who has the right coverage plan.

 

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The word "fear" isn't in my vocabulary.  It was too scary so I took it out.

 

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Nothing is more vital to our nation's security than timely, accurate intelligence. But don't tell nothing that, or it'll get a swelled head.

 

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Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.

 

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She offered fierce resistance, but I politely declined.  – Excerpt from ops report

 

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Selected List of US Intelligence Classifications

 

(FOUO) For Official Use Only

(C) Confidential

(S) Secret

(TS) Top Secret

(SBU) Sensitive But Unclassified

(SBVU) Sensitive But Very Unclassified

(UBT) Unclassified But Ticklish

(ILBBNP) Into Light Bondage But No Pain

(P) Into Pain

(WNINTEL) Warning Notice – Intelligence Sources & Methods Involved

(WNNISOMIW) Warning Notice – No Intelligent Sources Or Methods Involved Whatsoever

(WNDNBFL) Warning Notice – Do Not Brief Following Lunch

(NOFORN) Not Releasable To Foreign Nationals

(NOPORN) Not Pornography

(PORN) (See FOUO)

(TS-SCI) Top Secret – Sensitive Compartmented Information

(TS-ICI) Top Secret – Insensitive Compartmented Information

(TS-YCTASCISMSCASD) Top Secret – You Call That A Sensitive Compartment???  I’ve Seen More Sensitive Compartments At State Department!

(TS-MCETC) Top Secret – Mi Compartment Es Tu Compartment

(TS-FELO) Top Secret – For Executive Leaking Only

(W) Whatever

 

 

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The cleared get clearder, and the uncleared get unclearder.

 

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All sex is farewell sex.

 

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Think twice before you tell a lie.  It'll help you get your story straight.

 

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Every congressional inquiry into a catwalk of spies is a catwalk of spies.

 

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The fact that cleanliness is next to godliness doesn't mean cleanliness is willing to shake hands.

 

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You never hear the phrase "Get a life" anymore.  

I guess everyone got a life.

 

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A big-budget intelligence program isn’t cloaked in secrecy, it’s microkinied.

 

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The alien that explodes from our chest cavity is us.

 

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Secret 4081217.  If you don't stand for something, you can't fall for anything.

  

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You’d think the lyrics to a song called "Ramblin' Man" would be longer than 13 lines.

 

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The fact that you've found 10,000 ways that won't work doesn't mean you've failed – especially if it's a time and materials contract.

 

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To sell one's soul may be madness, but not to find out how much one could get for it is just plain dumb.

  

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What you can't rise above, you may yet seep under.

 

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Secret 938187.  The early parasite gets everybody.

 

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After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is coughing.

 

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Secret 0.761.  To be prepared for it is already the worst.

                        

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Classics of Modern Philosophy Repackaged

It can be proven mathematically that the central proposition underlying any philosophical paradigm has a corresponding romance novel cover.

... And yes, I'm working on the romance novel cover for this proof even as we (passionately and breathlessly) speak.

 

               

                        

                              

 

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Reality is the biggest redaction mark of all.

 

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Action stutters louder than words.

 

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because you secretly videotaped it.

 

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In an opposite universe, the punches roll with you. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 9391622

 

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Freedom isn't free.  She wants at least a hundred bucks and some Ecstasy.

 

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80% of the 80-20 rule is 20% of it.

 

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I've finally realized I don't need to try to be someone I'm not.  I'm someone I'm not already.

 

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I don’t care what it says, I’m just happy knowing there’s an old saying.

 

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SpookSpeak.  Beauty shot n.  1. (Modeling) A clean headshot of a runway model with minimal emphasis on jewelry and hairstyle.  2. (Intelligence) A clean headshot of a runway model with minimal blood spatter.

 

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'Tis not the tempest we dread, but the water damage.

 

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To copy: is this not already to paste?

 

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It’s not necessarily wrong to hold a grudge, as long as you refrain from heavy petting.

 

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Familiarity breeds contempt?  Gee, I never heard that idea before.

 

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We are no longer slaves to history.  History is now our CEO.

   

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That there’s a time and a place for everything in no way implies the two intersect.

   

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I said I have a can-do attitude.  I didn't say I have a do attitude.

 

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I tried following my bliss, but it employed countersurveillance and got away.

 

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It's only a secret if someone knows it.  It's only unclassified if no one does.

 

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The longer the limo, the shorter the ride.

 

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Secret 45810161.  We're all on our deathbed, but some of us are jumping up and down on the mattress.

 

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No hurry – take all the time you have.                                  

                          

 

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... But I egress.

 

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Time is a brush pass between a moment and forever.  And the secret exchanged in that most covert of handoffs is … us.

 

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Oh the HUMINTity!

 

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When you walk your last runway, and you turn in your voucher, you'll learn for whom you were really modeling.

 

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Whenever God opens one secure vault, He automatically closes and locks all the others.

 

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It's becoming increasingly clear that my plans don't include me.

 

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I have peace within.  I killed, skinned and ate it.

 

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To view death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean – the ocean ends way before that.

 

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Where's that guy who said “The absent are always in the wrong?”

 

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You can't handle the truth – that's my asset.

 

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Go limper, play deader.

  

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Peace beat upon you.

 

         

           

The Covert Comic.

If you’re gonna cattalk the cattalk, you better catwalk the catwalk.