The Naked Intelligence Officer

 John Alejandro King

a.k.a.

The Covert Comic

Naked intelligence officer  ('nā-kəd in-'te-lə-jən(t)s 'ä-fə-sər)

1 : an intelligence officer in a state of complete undress <'Look at that naked intelligence officer going through the badge machine.'>

2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised

3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as a naked person for operational purposes

4 :

The following is a collection of barefaced truths by, well, officially I'm not authorized to reveal the name of the writer; however, if you've ever seen that person without clothes (his clothes or yours – it really makes no difference), you'll immediately recognize the creative source behind The Naked Intelligence Officer.

Note: for maximum intelligence value, please read this book naked (you or the book – it’s really all the same).

Near Washington DC

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Reality is a striptease.

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They say truth is stranger than fiction. If that's true, it's stranger than it would be if it wasn't.

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Francis Bacon: Nakedness is uncomely, as well in mind as body, and it addeth no small reverence to men's manners and actions if they be not altogether open. Therefore set it down: That a habit of secrecy is both politic and moral.

The Covert Comic: As attractive as Bacon's thesis is, it would have been sexier if he had left something to the imagination.

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This morning I was downtown, and I happened to glance over at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded.

For a second I thought: "Whoa, did I do that?"

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As an Agency employee, whenever I hear that the CIA is programming people's minds, I have to laugh.

I don't want to laugh when I hear this, but I have to.

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SpookSpeak. Irregular warfare n. Warfare that experiences bloating, constipation and/or diarrhea, often due to that warfare's diet. 

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An intelligence estimate will tend to generate greater interest if key sections are partially disclosed prior to publication (especially if they jiggle a little).

- The Naked Intelligence Officer 

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There's a famous saying: 'If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn't work for 14 minutes every day.'

I did the calculation, and it's actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds.

… Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.

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Better over the top than under the bottom.

Naked people stand out in a crowd.

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The environment evolves to match the camouflage.

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Clothes make the man ... naked.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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One aspect of Latino culture I personally find problematic is the mañana attitude people take toward everything.

… I mean, why the big hurry???

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They say you can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

I say: any man I want to?
 

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The ultimate burqa is nakedness. 

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to give you even more!

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The French having a word for something: don't the French have a word for that?

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It's not a euphemism, it's a positively connoting recharacterization.

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If the shoe fits, aren't you already wearing it???

- The well shod intelligence officer

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Any time the government denies knowledge, it's speaking the truth.

Typical CIA briefing

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'Naked aggression' is a redundancy.

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Inside an oasis, there are many little deserts.

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30 Days Hath February

A calendrically accurate, more lyrical alternative to the traditional '30 Days Hath September.'

30 days hath February

Minus two in most years, while April won't vary

Likewise June, September, and November

But add a day for all other months, including December

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What you are eats you.

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In Iran there’s no formal process for becoming an Ayatollah. A cleric is proclaimed an Ayatollah by popular consensus of the faithful – not unlike the way a woman in the West attains the title of supermodel.

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Whoever put the second S in the KISS principle added 33% needless complexity.

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes for ineffectual spies.

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Naked Intelligence Report:

The Great Altamont Orange War

6 December 1969

Altamont Speedway

California, Universe

Your humble intelligence officer

Young, but earning his clearances

Observing and dutifully reporting to HQS:

Extremely fat man dancing

Naked to the music

(Also, getting his ass kicked by numerous Hells Angels

... And throwing punches back, by the way)

Throughout the morning, occasional fruit

Flies back and forth

Between humanity-packed hills

Then, in late afternoon

During yet another lengthy delay between strip acts

Exchanges of produce increase in frequency

… Major event in cosmic timeline:

Extremely tall hippy rises to his feet

To catch huge, soaring grapefruit

As 300,000 souls suddenly focus on the moment

Object strikes lovingly outstretched hands

And explodes

Deafening, earth-shaking roar – followed by fruit-filled sky

Largest food fight in human history

Duration: a good twenty-two seconds

Winner uncertain

Crowd runs out of fruit to throw

... Or does it?

Roar subsides

As 300,000 meditate on this question

Naked to the music

Additional events will occur this evening

Though of little intelligence value

Other than: late resighting of fat man

Standing in darkness, stage right, watching and tapping foot

While Hells Angels and brightly clothed gunman dance

Naked to the music

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When one views a striptease, who is it that's being exposed?

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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A paper tiger can still give a nasty paper cut.

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Otto Von Bismarck: I have seen three emperors in their nakedness, and the sight was not inspiring.

The Naked Intelligence Officer: I have seen at least four female CIA officers in their nakedness, and the sight was extremely inspiring.

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'Iditarod' is how a person pronounces the word 'idiot' when their lips are frozen.

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A cute, well-dressed DI analyst: Though in silence with blighted affection I pine, the lips that touch liquor must never touch mine!

The Naked Intelligence Officer: ... What if I drink through a straw?

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Great power cums in great responsibility.

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When William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it. 

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Don't get eaten by that, you'll ruin its appetite!

- During a donut break at a briefing

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Naked Intelligence Report

Running through the streets one Halloween night a millennium ago, as part of my official initiation as a junior jihadist, I snatched a two-year-old girl's Halloween candy bag, and kept on going.

Not only that, I took her candy out of the bag and ate it.

Don't worry, people: I choked on that candy, alright. In fact, I still choke on it, at least once every week or so.

When I finally cast aside my earthly costume and stand in the Light, every detail of my life utterly divulged, I hope the spirit of that little girl is there to meet me. And after I sincerely apologize to her, I pray she'll tell me that getting her candy snatched that Halloween night taught her an important life lesson, made her a stronger person, and ultimately helped her become happier and more loving.

And if I’m really lucky, her spirit will neither confirm nor deny that getting her candy snatched that Halloween night when she was two years old set in motion a series of events that culminated in her becoming a CIA officer, and that she spent her entire, highly successful professional existence working only a few cubicles away from your humble spook.

… Oh, and also that, during the course of her career at Langley, she stole innumerable Halloween bags worth of candy from the candy jar on my desk, which I dutifully kept filled with sweets offered free for the taking.

I can both confirm and not deny that I'd willingly strip naked in public for it.

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To be overdressed, is this not to be naked?

To be naked, is this not to be overdressed?

- At CIA Headquarters on 'Casual Day'

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He who claims to have nothing to lose has the most precious thing of all to lose: that claim.

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Do as I CIA, not as I DO.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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It's amazing how many people are intimidated by the simple act of sincerely professing the truth.

... I mean, you'd think there would be at least one or two.

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The sheerer the veil, the more concealed the dancer.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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Explosive-sniffing dog?

… I thought you said 'Explosive sniffing dog.'

- Following an international incident involving a Peruvian Hairless

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To get someone to communicate using a pointee-talkee, it helps to have a pointee-shootee.

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In the strip search of life, better to be the finger, or even the anus, than the rubber glove.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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The naked truth has stretch marks.

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There's nothing wrong with the CIA that can't be fixed by what's even more wrong with the CIA.

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Whatever you take them off for, putting your clothes back on is always at least as embarrassing.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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What's more naïve: thinking 'autoerotic' refers to cars, or thinking it doesn't?

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If global warming was outlawed, only outlaws would warm their globes.

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"What makes you think the whole world revolves around you?!" my mother demanded, as I slowly rotated my gaze to maintain eye contact.

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To ride a tiger is easy if you're a flea.

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If I'm reincarnated as a male ladybug, I think I'll just go ahead and fly straight into a spider's web the very first day.

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Freedom isn't free. But thank God liberty is still libertine.

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The road to hell is paved – what more do you need to know?

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Naked Intelligence Report

One Sunday afternoon late in summer, not long after my official confirmation as a junior jihadist, I went with my family to the park.

I remember walking around by myself, sometimes through the dark, cool green of the forest, other times out in the hot sunny spaces – just looking at everything.

At one point I came to a clearing that opened onto a play area with tanbark, teeter-totters and a big jungle jim. From where I stood I could see a large group of children – mostly six and seven years old – swinging single file through the steel jungle jim rings, laughing and yelling.

As I watched I noticed that the last child in the line was a little boy about three years of age. He had followed the older kids and, in his determination to keep up, had somehow managed to climb up the steps of the jungle jim and swing himself out onto the first ring. The problem was, the little guy’s arms were far too short to reach the next ring, and his legs far too stubby to get back to the steps. The only way out was a drop straight down to the ground, which from that little boy's frame of reference amounted to a death plunge. The poor kid was terrified.

Now the other children had all successfully navigated the rings and run off to the next adventure, completely oblivious to the boy’s plight. Helpless, he hung there perfectly straight, whimpering softly.

I walked out of the clearing, came up behind him, put my arms around his waist and calmly whispered: Let go.

He let go.

I gently set him down on the ground, and watched him run after the other kids. He never even looked back to see who had rescued him.

For all that little boy knew, the person who had saved his life was a spy, or even completely naked. 

Or both.

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Come to think of it, having a bottle in front of me, and a frontal lobotomy, really aren't all that different. 

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People ask if it's possible to find love after age 40. The answer is yes – you just have to reach your hand down a little lower.

- The Naked Intelligence Officer

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The sign 'Abandon hope, all who enter' also hangs at the gates of heaven.

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My uncle once offered me the following advice: "Only you can live your life; don't let others live it for you."

"So in other words,” I replied, “Don't let other people do what you just said is impossible anyway."

My uncle pretty much leaves me alone now.

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Naked Intelligence Report 

I can neither confirm nor deny that I personally have written items for the President's Daily Brief while naked.

The President's Daily Briefs

One morning in the White House Situation Room

I gave a briefing that lasted 'till noon

And afterward during the lunch break, I happened to peek

In a drawer where they kept the President's Daily Briefs

They lay in a stack, all pristine and white

It was said he received new ones each morning and night

What a thrill to imagine our Commander In Chief

Handling those very same President's Daily Briefs

Who knew what secrets those articles contained

They didn't appear worn, showed no evidence of stain

As I ran my fingers over each fold and crease

I resolved that I must have the President's Daily Briefs

Perhaps my brush with greatness had robbed me of my wits

For I found the temptation too strong to resist

So looking both ways, I gingerly reached

And swiped me a pair of the President's Daily Briefs

I carefully placed them in a folder between

Two Senior Executive Intelligence magazines

Then walked down the hallway to return to my seat

All the while feeling the President's Daily Briefs

But as I was rounding the corner a man

With dark shades and earphone seized hold of my hand

You should have heard the shouts of anger and disbelief

When I was apprehended with the President's Daily Briefs

I swore they were my own briefs, that there'd been a mistake

But the presidential seal on them guaranteed my fate

They took me to a back room and made me spread my cheeks

All for purloining the President's Daily Briefs

The news soon reached Langley, where they placed me on leave

Investigations followed, polygraphs without reprieve

For at first they thought they'd found the source of White House leaks

In the person who had ripped off the President's Daily Briefs

In the end I convinced them I wasn't a spy

My clearances were saved, but in ruins my career would lie

For all around Headquarters I was known as the freak

Who tried to leave the White House with the President's Daily Briefs

So now I sweep floors in the CIA basement

But rather than wallow in my debasement

I dream of a transfer, to launder White House sheets

... And another chance at glimpsing the President's Daily Briefs

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Laughter is a subconscious attempt to stop breathing.

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As a CIA employee, I assume that when I die certain classified sections of my life will not pass before my eyes.

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The day I graduated from college, I rose early and drove my ancient, barely operable hippie van to the admin office and picked up my diploma. I then returned to my apartment, loaded up my meager belongings, filled my vehicle with gas, and was out of state within two hours. I had things to do.

As for the rest of the graduating seniors who stayed behind for two weeks so they could attend the graduation ceremony with their parents, they started their careers two weeks behind me.

Twenty years later, you might think those two weeks are now meaningless.

... The truth is, those two weeks get bigger and bigger with each passing month.

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I used to say 'This too shall pass.'

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We're all naked in the Light. But in how many of us is the Light naked?

- The Nakedest Intelligence Officer

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On the other hand, if you don't stand for something, you won't have to do burpees.

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The Covert Comic.

Get naked with him while you still can!